American Idol
Auditions: Milwaukee

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Double Dream Hands All The Way

The utter perversity of Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson, singing an Aerosmith song together. The sheer gall. I mean, I cannot with 100% certainty tell you where Milwaukee is located, and maybe they don't need me standing up for them. They can handle it. It's cold there. Maybe. Or it's warm, but like it's a dry heat. Over there in Milwaukee. Somebody once told me that Milwaukee was a spin-off of Happy Days, and I guess that makes sense.

Anyway, Randy and Steven. Steven and Randy. The healthy people and their accents. Danny Gokey and his wife that dropped dead that time. J. Lo and Steven Tyler pretending to be enthusiastic about this, and about talking to Randy Jackson about how this year -- as opposed to years past -- they're looking for "the whole package." Then Steven Tyler says some pathetic babble that makes no sense, because he is a national embarrassment.

The Milwaukee Art Museum looks like Lando lives there.

Danny Gokey still has no idea. That's comforting, actually.

Scotty McCreery (16, Garner, NC) has a weirdly deep voice, like Froggy from Our Gang. He looks a bit like the kind of person that the neighbors will be like, "He was always polite," or like he went away to war and was not the same when he got back. To be honest I don't understand much of what he says, because he is country and also his voice is so deep I can't really hear him saying what he's saying. Singingwise he sounds like a country singer, I don't know if that's a good thing or what.

No, you know what he sounds like is a voiceover actor playing a country singer. Also, he becomes much better looking when he is singing, like how they say will happen with stuttering, only instead of stuttering it is his face. Steven Tyler immediately gets nervous about the boy's skills and the attention he's getting, so he crafts some more sad babbles and derails the entire conversation, as usual. Whatever, they put Scotty through and then Randy validates Steven's behavior for him.

A lady picks nits out of Steven Tyler's hair in Milwaukee. This -- American Idol this -- is the only thing that has ever happened in Milwaukee, so everybody's really excited in Milwaukee. Especially Joe Repka (19, Toledo), a hard-to-look-at enthusiastic explosion of a person who brings out Ryan Seacrest's worst qualities. He does dances and he whistles about J. Lo's hotness with a very sudden aardcore edge on it, and it's like if the show... Look. Show, if you are not going to be following the angels of your better nature, it is all the more imperative that I make up for it. This is not... Bleep-bloop.

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American Idol

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