American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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I've Got To Go Wash The Glitter Off

Much like shuttles from Florida's Kennedy Space Center, the contestants here use up a lot of gas only to end up where they started. They flame out, or flame up, and eventually come crashing back down to Earth. Or something. Also in Orlando is the Disney thing, which also is synonymous with dreams. If your "dreams" include being a motherless princess without viable job skills or a virgin/whore fairy in a tiny, tiny dress that shows off your ass made of lines on paper. Tiny Emmy-winning princess Kristin Chenoweth, in your navy blue dress-skort that would get you reamed if you were anyone else, save us from Florida's horrors!

Like Theo Glinton (22, Fort Pierce, FL), who is wearing a dumb scarf and a dumb cape and a bunch of feathers and beer caps glued to his face like he woke up in Lady GaGa's recycling. He's huge, flirts unsuccessfully with Ryan, tells us how faaaabulous he is a whole bunch, flounces around with a cape and his gross blue contacts and his impenetrable lisp... It's the triple crown of gross gay, gross crazy and possibly mentally disadvantages. I believe you win, sir. Congrats on that.

When I talk about how slash fiction -- like musical theatre and makeover shows -- is just a sneaky way for fat girls to turn gay men into zoo animals, this is what I'm talking about. This is the end result.

Simon patronizes him for awhile about how he wants to be an Idol-slash-salon owner, and then he sings "Heartbreaker," and of course it's horrible, with a studded belt and the lisp and the scary eyes and glitter on every single goddamn area. Kristin just looks intensely worried for him. As she should. Kara tells him he's not J. Hud and he looks like he just got stabbed, and Randy calls him "Baby" and tells him to stop dressing like an outpatient and then he gets the Other Door treatment before we cut to Ryan talking to his sketchy associates. Wow, that really was like every single audition at once.

Ryan, finally charmed by the giant truck of Theo's whatever-it-is, slowly pulls each and every gem and piece of bullshit off Theo's face one by one, then giggles in the wake of his entourage about how he's now covered in glitter. Just like every other wonderful day of your life, you magnificent little prince.

Lots of losers, a chicken suit, Kristin bonding with Kara and being adorable, Simon shitting himself with rage, a dumb montage of Kara/Kristin desperately trying to make us pretend Kara isn't a wretched heckling bitch, a chinless 4th Level Druid, Kristin being adorable at all times, a priest and a cowboy, a hot gay dude with a guitar, a girl in a stupid-looking hat, and then human giant Seth Rollins (28, Lakeland, FL).

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American Idol

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