American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"If It's Good Enough For Daughtry..."

Remember all the last weeks of watching all those auditions? Well, we're not done. Because now we get to look at all the crazy pathetic people who we didn't get to ogle before, because there just weren't enough hours in that nine and a half hours to show us... Much of anything, really. Like, "Pants On The Ground" is a thing that happened, and since then the stupidest people of America have latched onto it just like the show hoped, so let's by all means talk about it even more than it's already been/being talked about. It was already dumb when it happened! Weeks later it's just collectively embarrassing.

This "best of the rest" episode is always so bizarre, like just random crap in time and space. A jumble of people faces and then the judges telling a girl she should have picked another song, and then suddenly we're in a random story (Denver, by the looks of Posh) about a girl from last year's bad Janis audition and how this year she decided to sing a song Simon co-wrote. (Posh and her pornographic Life In Hell bun can't believe that Simon co-wrote a song, like it's this huge deal. I'm sure to her it is. I'm sure she got all kinds of songwriting credits for no reason, and they always told her it was a huge deal, and then put her back in her carton. The greatest song of all the Spice Girls' catalog is a "Spice Up Your Life" b-side called "Spice Invaders." Look it up, you won't be sorry. It's like the "Vibeology" of Spice World, where they sit around babbling and playing with the booth settings, and it's brilliant. I mention it for your delight and edification of course, but also to illustrate the point that, technically, they all "co-wrote" that hot mess.) Anyway, Jessica Furney (20, Wamego, KS) sings "Footprints In The Sand" -- which is exactly what you think it is -- and Posh asks him if he's written more songs because it was so pretty, and Simon gets really bashful and they finally put Jessica through.

Horrible outfits that aren't that interesting, leading into a girl doing a special scary pitch-perfect impression of Britney Spears, and Ryan cutely tells her to do Lil' Wayne next, and then she talks about how she has many voices and can talk with her mouth closed and whatever, she seems exhausting. Amanda Sheetman (19, Roslyn, NY) is a theatre student, which explains it all. She's very likeable and very tiring. Then she sings fairly well, not really that interesting, some sharps in there, Posh tells her to get some charisma, Kara agrees, Randy has no thoughts, Simon thinks she's great. They all sort of figure out together as a group that she's doing a robotic not-connecting thing because she's a stage actress. She gets sad because they won't let her hyphenate, and Simon fucks with her forever and ever because she's so overly dramatic, but then they put her through anyway and she bows and cries and whatever.

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American Idol

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