American Idol
Auditions: San Francisco

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Oh girl. So the first thing that happens is a sad, sad girl walking in the sunshine crying about this and that and how she thought she would be famous and how can she go back to her loved ones now and all of this and then it turns out that really the problem was she got a little gassy, broke a little wind, and that was the dealbreaker in the middle of her audition. Which first of all, that's classic comedy because they really make you feel empathy for the girl and hatred for the show and the usual things and then just when you're like I am implicated, America is implicated boom: Fart joke. But also isn't it ironic because this is a show where the judges are or have included: Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Steven Tyler. The three biggest farters of life.

Last time we went to SF, that was how Adam Lambert happened. (If you can believe that!) My sister met Adam Lambert last year and made a conscious decision not to bring my name up. I told her it was a crapshoot.

First: A horrible, horrible little girl.

You know how possibly in that movie The Orphan -- I haven't seen the movie but this is what people tell me, and you know how gullible I am, so probably they were being unkind -- it may have turned out that the Orphan was actually an Eastern European dwarf prostitute who was also a serial killer that liked to pose as an Orphan so that she could get adopted, make people feel incredibly uncomfortable with themselves and their sexuality, and then kill them? And feast on them?

Meet creepy little Ukrainian beast Inessa Lee, who is the sickly looking, bellydancing reincarnation of Tatiana Del Toro: She films herself in the shower, she is an expert choreographer, she is the queen of some nation somewhere, she has a big old weird husband, she's like a young Kyle Richards on the outside with an old Kim Richards on the inside, she looks like a pile of haunted sticks with rats inside, doing a belly dance, flipping so fast between little girl and aged whore that you get dizzy, being Shirley Temple, being Betty Boop. Being a prostitution dwarf.

Steven Tyler: Loves it.

"See this eyes? This is the most beautiful thing they ever seen in their life." She talks like that, just this loony-tunes monologue, the whole time, even on the way out the door. (22! LA!) "Even when they're crying." Even Ryan can't deal with her mess. She's basically like the malformed clone of him and he still just isn't having it. He actually feels sorry for the man who purchased her. Do you know what it takes to make Ryan drop the act? You gotta wake up early in the morning, and be the worst.

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American Idol

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