The Good: "The Hotness," a Hatchetface look-alike with voice and peppy personality to match; the tragic David Mills; an aggressively weird, sex-offendery hairdresser who thinks he's Taylor's twin and gets chased off by security; and a giant red-headed person with intellectual disadvantages. There's Darwin Something, the most bizarre thing, who apparently writes American Idol fan fiction with her mother, the second most bizarre thing, and is so afflicted withâ¦whatever it isâ¦that she named her daughter "Darwin." Also there is Nick Zitzmann, actual madman from Utah, glassy-eyed, poorly gifted in vocals, overly gifted in strangeness; the sweetest thing you ever did see. He takes his thumbs-down like a consummate trooper -- if one shell-shocked and hallucinating -- then wanders off into nowhere to be nuts some more.
The Not Compelling TV: Thirteen-year-long Lifetime saga drama entitled Amy Salgado: A Mom, about this woman who hates her husband and has baroque plans to ensure she has the gayest child in history. Melissa Stavros, very well-spoken but with image issues -- strange proportions and an outfit which combine to make her look like she's wearing a peculiar costume -- that are auto-"no"s. Her menagerie of equally quirky-looking friends seem quite nice. Finally, there's a fake-ass Adam and Dirk pair that so are not even. One of them looks like Brian Peppers and the other one looks like my brother Lyle, if my brother Lyle were from The X-Files.
The Actually Good: Blake Lewis, 25, who beatboxes awesome and sings "Crazy," and is his own personal Guy Sigsworth on himself, and is totally cute and from the future; hot-as-hell Tommy Daniels, with huge afro and great voice; and Rudy Cardenas, 28, from North (-west) Hollywood; Ryan knows what I'm talking about. Anna Kearns is 6'4" and totally interesting regardless; Jordin Sparks is 16 and beautiful and self-possessed. The Malakar Siblings are variously interesting and weird: Shyamali, the older sister, is confident and has a very pretty voice; Sanjaya, the younger brother, has a huge smile and an even better voice, and tries to keep it a secret that the judges liked him more, but that just results in more awkwardnessâ¦ And seven other people that all blurred together in fast-forward to save time for making fun of the mentally challenged. Meet Joe R in Memphis Tuesday for some more of this crap.
Ryan's looking very nice and scruffy surrounded by 9,000 of Seattle's Best Wannabes, standing in the typical shitty weather. Seattle's really just the sexier version of Portland, and we've talked about Portland already. Did you notice the horrible giant twitching of Taylor Hicks on the big billboard thing at the end of the credits? Did you think about how we're going to be seeing that two or three times a week, every time this stupid show comes on? I sure did. I thought about it for a while, actually. Last time the show was in Seattle, Ryan tells us, was Season One. Not even Ryan can put a shine on them coming back. The theme for this episode is that Seattle is worthless in the larger scheme of Idol, and that every second they spend there is total agony. Which is what I always figured, so it's not surprising. There are several people screaming at the camera that they love the rain, which proves that they are sick individuals, which means they'll be going through to the judges but no further. Everybody brought their stupid dogs, which I'm sure made for a fabulous smell throughout the proceedings. Maybe that's why everybody's in such a shitty mood: wet dog is right up there with the Pussycat Dolls for me personally, and while I cannot smell the dogs through the television screen, there's more than enough Pussycat Dolls to make up for it. I like to think of PCD as a disorder where your vagina falls out without warning, and you make horrible noises to express the fact that everybody with daddy issues should have the opportunity to work them out on camera, no matter how rich or famous or fake L.A. famous they become. People screaming, people screaming. Oh Seattle. At least you are not Portland.
Randy's wearing a cute shirt with blue pinstripes and a banker collar. I like the timeline on this show, because you can see what clothes were actually cool, and then the next season they were at Old Navy, which means you and I are wearing what they are wearing on the show, and it's like time travel. Remember Brandon Groves (26, Wheeling WV) who dressed like a cop one year, and sang horribly the song "I Shot The Sherriff"? I kind of did but not really. This year he is dressed like Uncle Sam, but still cannot sing. He looks a lot better than I remembered. He tells them about how he sucked before, and they can't remember either, and he goes, "And Paula, I am a police officer." I don't know what point he's proving, except that Paula likes costumery, but that's not going to help him. He sings "God Bless America," and it sounds the same: like Biz Markie's more popular older brother that was on the football team. Paula actually goes, "You've gotta be kidding me," before his unanimous and obvious no. He's sad, and outside he takes his big stupid hat off and tells Ryan that they didn't take him seriously. Standing in balloon pants with a giant lace cravat and looking like a total dillweed, he says this. Ryan clucks his fake sympathy; inside, Paula wonders whether next year he'll be dressed as an Indian chief. Without looking up or cracking a smile, Simon does this hilarious Catskills Dice Clay sound like, "Hey-oh!" It's awesome. Brandon complains that it was nerves. Also a sucky voice, but props for trying.