Shout-out to Miss Alli. She managed to finish recapping the worst reality show in the history of ever, yet somehow kept from killing herself and still found the energy to recap that insipid "Halfway Home" special. Yay! Thanks for keeping me from losing too many sanity points.
Tuesday. Ryan "I Want You To Need Me" Seacrest greets us on the Seal of Tsathoggua with the remaining kids. He's wearing a jacket covered with zippers. I think he's trying to dress even gayer now that he's not allowed to make the jokes anymore. Blah blah show singing blah.
Credits. Ryan runs back out onstage to greet the crowd. Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Somebody claims that Ruben puts the "stud" in "Studdard." The only signs they show in the audience are in support of either Ruben or Clay. Ryan tells us that they've confirmed that the kids' cover of "God Bless The U.S.A." will top the charts this week. Oh, thanks ever so much, members of the public. For a few seconds there, I forgot to hate everything in creation. I needed the reminder. Also, Kelly Clarkson will have the number one album, and as a reward, she'll be allowed to have a bowl of dry shredded wheat and a three-hour nap. Yay! If she goes platinum, they might let her have milk. Ryan also plugs some insipid People feature on all the kids, giving readers a break from all the coverage of Brad and Jennifer and Ben and Jennifer and Tom and…Tom. And more Tom.
Then there's this idiotic, unfunny stage business where Ryan pretends that they're giving the kids a night off, and even walks off the stage as the show's theme music cranks up. Yay! I can watch Gilmore Girls, or some other show that includes people who have more than three milligrams of charisma. Of course, he's kidding. See, they have this time to burn now that they're down to six kids. Having them sing the whole song is still, of course, out of the question. On the other hand, given that Carmen and Josh are still here, perhaps I shouldn't complain.
Speaking of the kids, Ryan introduces them out to the stage, as he is wont to do. Hey, they let a bunch of Trenyce fans with signs sit up front! Dear producers: It has not slowed down the "conspiracy" thread at all. Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "We're Not Making Love Anymore" Cowell, Paula "I Get Weak" Abdul, and Randy "Don't Turn Around" Jackson. Ryan asks how anybody could say bad things about Paula Abdul. Well, first you start with an observation about her gross incoherence, then slide into a crack at her plastic features, and then conclude with a suggestion of controlled substance abuse. Oh, that was one of those rhetorical questions, wasn't it? Ryan then makes a thoroughly disgusting comment about Randy "the dawg" getting neutered for his own good. Ew. Gross. And it doesn't make sense, at that. If you're going to make a "dawg" joke at Randy's expense, it also has to be relevant, not just refer to dogs. Simon's the one who leers at all the girls, not Randy. And this has been your "Comedy That Works" lesson for the recap.
So it seems that Tsathoggua has felt the tide turning against li'l Carmen and released one of his favorite minions to serve as both the theme and guest judge tonight. That would be Diane Warren, who is a huge, successful songwriter, despite the fact that nobody you know likes any of her songs. Pop, country, and rock stars have all used her songs on their albums, and dozens of them have made it to number one, yet hardly anybody on earth will admit to enjoying any of them. Obviously dark magics must be involved here. ["SHE'S NOT MY ONLY MINION IN THE INDUSTRY. YOU SHOULD SEE SCOTT STAPP'S TRUE FORM. IT FRIGHTENS EVEN ME." -- Tsathoggua]