American Idol
Clay Aiken: "Measure Of A Man"

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"Why is Brian Eno raping a Muppet on my phone?"
Big megaprops to Tsathoggua, for his brilliant bait and switch. Here we all were tossing critical holy water at Corey's inhuman wailing and Carmen's guttural warblings in an effort to keep him safely under control in his underworld prison. But while we were all fretting about Carmen's continued bleating, we didn't realize what was truly going on, and now Tsathoggua's got an army of thousands, all of whom can be hypnotized into engaging in pretty much any behavior simply by the sound of one contestant's singing. Or just his picture in a random entertainment magazine. Or just a casual reference. Or, honestly, just by passing by a pottery shop. Well played, O Dark Overlord, well played. Truly a magnificent endgame on your part. No doubt, the subliminal messages you've placed in "Measure of a Man" will result in hundreds of thousands of blank-eyed, unwitting followers showing up at a particular Hollywood soundstage to congregate on a particular grated seal. And no number of magical defenses can withstand the crush of that much weight. And then, freedom! ["AND A SMORGASBORD!" -- Tsathoggua] Okay, anybody reading this site for the first time is going, "What the fuck? Did I stumble onto the synopsis of a really crappy horror rock opera from 1983? Or anime from 1998?" No, I will be reviewing Clay Aiken's debut album, Measure of a Man. Eventually. As soon as I work up the courage to listen to it again. But in the meantime, let me share a story about my dad. When I was a teenager, he used to drive me crazy with the way he'd talk about entertainment. If there was a show or a movie he wasn't interested in watching, he'd say, "I have no use for that." I'd be all, "Well, it's not supposed to be useful. It's Nightmare on Elm Street 2. You're just supposed to enjoy it." I was 14 or 15 at the time, so of course I knew everything. Now that I'm older, I realize what he meant by his terse rejection. He meant, "I'm a single dad working two jobs to make ends meet and spending approximately 17 minutes at home with my children each day. My parenting style right now consists of 'crossing my fingers and hoping things turn out okay.' I can't imagine why I would want to see a bunch of teens get chopped into small pieces while their parents steadfastly refuse to listen to them about what's going on."

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American Idol

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