We do another dramatic run through all the amazing things that we're meant to understand happened last night, and as usual it's probably going to be the high point of the night. Whoever puts these things together at the beginning, they don't get paid enough. I mean, probably they get paid enough. But that shouldn't stop us wishing them well.

Ryan: "An amazing number of votes that don't mean anything happened!"
ibid., in a rare moment of gnosis: "...But that doesn't lessen the pain of elimination."

ibid., words fitting awkwardly in his mouth: "We have a sick performance from Rihanna tonight!"

THE TWO PEOPLE LEAST LIKELY IN THE WORLD TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE NAME "LADY ANTEBELLUM" IS A HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM GET TOGETHER AND SING A LADY ANTEBELLUM SONG

I like the music of the band okay, as far as I know, but I don't particularly care for the lead singer -- she seems like a weirdo -- and especially not the name. They are the Cougar Town of contemporary crossover country. But any song as self-hating and simultaneously booty-calling as "Need You Now" shows a bit more insight, or else I just identify with it more, than most. Mostly I just wish they could do a performance without her dressing up like a clockwork ballet creature or a Bigfoot or whatever. An a-hole.

This song Scotty and Lauren are singing, "American Honey," is not one of those songs. However, the squatting dance of Scotty is fun, and the fact that he's just at this point firing those gross sex faces into the crowd at random like a sex-face psycho shooter, and their very pretty harmonies, all of those things are nice. Watching Scotty and Lauren pretend to like each other makes me feel a little nervous, frankly. They are some of the least trustworthy people on TV, and I don't even think they know it.

THE FOREST OF SHAMS & MEAT

Since we've been clamoring for more background information on the weekly Ford Focus commercial, the Idols oblige. Everybody looks totally scary and almost recognizable, dressed like zombies.

Well, almost everybody. Paul McDonald looks strangely healthful.

After we watch the video about the video, we watch the video. It's kind of boring, to the tune of that "Animal" song the Warblers sang, and then the zombies show up and it gets more boring. Then the zombies listen to tunes on a USB drive, and it's 2011 suddenly.