American Idol
Faker's Dozen

Episode Report Card
Shack: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Not so much "wild" as "inexplicable"

Tuesday. Ryan "Atom Tan" Seacrest greets us from atop the Seal of Tsathoggua and reminds us that tonight is the wild card round, providing a "second" chance for the nine contestants singing tonight. Of course, it's actually the first chance for half of them, because they've never sung for us before. Although if you want to be technical, I suppose bringing them back after the judges rejected them in Glendale does sort of count as a second chance. Well, fine then. It's the little smirk and slight nod of the head from Clay as they introduce tonight's performers that reminds me of Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. It's the exact same facial expression she would wear at the start of the show.

Credits. We return to the Seal so that Ryan can explain the whole wild card thing yet again. He's wearing a relatively mild light gray shirt and jeans tonight. Of course, the shirt is partly unbuttoned, has a gigantic collar, and is not tucked in, but at least it's not searing my retinas. He heads over to introduce Simon "Go Mental" Cowell, Paula "Four Years Old" Abdul, and Randy "Makin' It Large" Jackson. Ryan reminds Simon that he promised that they'd reveal an "unbelievable twist" and says that we're all waiting at home to find out. He adds that there's "a lot of guessing going on," all of which is not true because we all KNOW what the twist is because YOU IDIOTS revealed what the twist is the week before this show even aired on the official web site! And then, of course, every entertainment outlet reported this twist days ago, so the only people who are about to be surprised are people who don't follow the show. Except they're not going to be surprised either because they don't follow the show. Morons. And then Simon tries to torment us by telling us the twist is that they're bringing back Brian Dunkleman. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Actually, they tried, but they couldn't pull Brian away from the "Barely Legal Famewhores 4 U" chat room on AOL. And I wouldn't joke so much if I were you, Simon. My hatred of Brian slightly diminished the hatred I felt for all the rest of you. Now there's no buffer.

So the big "twist" is that it's going to be twelve finalists instead of ten. No, there is not another "big twist" that they insisted was in addition to this twist. That's the one. They're just pretending that this wasn't already revealed to us. Idiots. The judges are going to pick three of the wild card kids to move on. And a public vote will determine the fourth, which will put us at that final total of twelve. Ryan repeats this to us again because we're apparently all brain-damaged. Ryan points out that some of these kids have gotten very little camera time. Randy lies that it's a "clean slate" and that all the kids will be judged according to tonight's performances. And then his pants catch on fire. Puh-leeze. I think they had already made their decision before the kids even sang tonight.

Ryan reminds us all about the [product-placed wireless service] voting and blah blah vote blah as he heads back across the stage to Pimp Central. He introduces us to the kids and the families, et cetera. That family thing never really worked out, did it? Only one confrontation, and that's it. Oh well. Next season they'll be replaced with a panel of expert hecklers, culled from comedy clubs across the country.

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American Idol

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