Tuesday. Why is every contestant singing the same damned song? Oh, wait. That's the Bush administration.

Wednesday. Here we are. Once again, no pre-credits pointlessness. Yay! Keep it up, guys. Ryan "Mr. Pink" Seacrest greets us on the Seal in a suit that looks grayish-purple, and a white shirt with vertical pink stripes. It looks like he got the last tux available at the rental shop prior to prom. He greets everybody and tells us he'll be our "date" for the next hour. I hope he doesn't expect me to put out. I don't know where he's been, but I have some very strong suspicions. He tells us that tonight's theme is "songs from movies." He says that contestants are supposed to pick a song from the movie that means the most of them, which is a guideline that some contestants (and by "some," I mean "George") took a little too seriously.

Ryan introduces Simon "Sidewinder" Cowell by saying Simon's got Hannibal Lecter's smile and William Shatner's corset. As opposed to George Hamilton's skin, like Ryan. Or Anne Heche's brain, like Paula. He introduces Paula "Go Go Yubari" Abdul by calling her as "graceful as Garbo [oh, please], as beautiful and fragile [in the head] as Audrey Hepburn, and about the same size as Stuart Little [you should talk, tiny Monkey Boy]." Randy "Cottonmouth" Jackson is introduced with a bunch of movie title parodies containing dogs, such as "Cheaper by the Dachshund." I think they hired an intern from Mad Magazine to write this intro.

And we have a guest judge tonight, as everybody already knows, because he won't shut up about it in the press or anything. That would be Quentin Tarantino, director of Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (ON DVD NOW!) and Kill Bill, Vol. 2 (IN THEATERS NOW!). So Shovelhead (as Regina so elegantly nicknamed him in his guest appearances on Alias) heads out on stage wearing a hideous shirt with blue, orange, and white vertical stripes and one of those ugly shell necklace that tasteless teenage boys wear. We get a clip show about Quentin's movies. Props to the editors for managing to find enough Tarantino clips to use and still keep the G rating for the show. They managed to find the one second of Uma's fight scene in the House of Blue Leaves where she wasn't cutting somebody's arm off. Ryan's narration tells us that Quentin is careful with his music picks in his movies, and that's part of his "distinctive style." Don't forget the oddly stilted dialogue! That's his style, too!

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