Yeah, so yeah. I was really hoping From Justin To Kelly would be amazingly awful -- awful in such away that it blazed brand-new trails in badness. Awful in a way that all aspiring film students would be shown this movie very early in their educations, with the professor, perhaps assisted by a laser pointer, detailing every single way the movie went wrong. Awful in such a way that it would inspire drinking games. Awful in such away that it would inspire some camp-sensitive entrepreneur to develop a theme restaurant based on the movie in 2023. Awful in such a way that every artist of every medium and genre on the face of the earth would rise up and declare, "Genius can be found everywhere where this movie is not!"
Instead, it was just bad, which is a disappointment. Rumor has it Vincent Gallo has reserved the "Worst Artistic Endeavor Ever" title for at least the next few months. Ultimately, it was no worse than seeing a Rob Schneider movie. Or so I assume, as I've painstakingly avoided ever seeing one. It kind of sucks the fun out of writing a recap. I mean, who would want to recap a Rob Schneider movie?
Also, I neglected to bring my personal courtroom stenographer to the film with me. And sadly, the rewind button in my brain hasn't been working properly since I reached that point in life where I realized that everything I used to think was really cool was actually pretty stupid. So what's a lazy entertainment writer to do? Why, the same thing that all the other lazy entertainment writers do -- a list! A list will fill up space! A list allows you to take tiny nuggets of information and spread them out over several pages. Or hours, if you happen to be VH1.
So, without further ado: 146 Reasons Why From Justin To Kelly Sucked.
1. There was the whole embarrassing issue of buying tickets to the movie. I live in a town with two military bases. There were a lot of burly men standing in line, all buying tickets to see The Hulk. I, obviously, was not.
2. I considered buying tickets to see Dumb And Dumberer and sneaking into the movie, but I couldn't decide whether that was more or less embarrassing. I'm still not certain.
3. There was nobody in the theater when I entered. Eventually, two teen girls came in and sat all the way in the back row. I don't think they could tell what I looked like, thank God. Three more girls came in and sat further in front, but the previews had already started, so the theater was already dark. So a total of six people showed up for a Sunday matinee of the movie, in a small desert town where there really isn't anything else going on. They stayed away in droves.