American Idol
Grand Finale

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Finding the Exits

Two hours to find out something we've known for at least two months. That sounds about right, doesn't it? To tell the truth, though, I'm excited. Without an "Idol Gives Back" this is the closest thing we'll get to a Spectacular, and the finales are always bizarre fun. All I know at this point is that Tom Jones will be showing up, which is nice. It is nice that he is not dead, which is a thing that I didn't know. So there's that to look forward to.

Ryan, because this is such an important and elegant event, will be wearing a tuxedo. Or well, maybe there will be costume changes, I don't want to fence him in, so I'll amend that statement to say that currently he is wearing a tuxedo. It does not seem to be out of the ordinary. Not like one of those tuxedos that you can get that is also a weapon.

Jackson is wearing: An outfit that might be a weapon. Weaponized nerds are the scariest kind.
Lopez is wearing: Loveliness.
Tyler is missing: Most of his weave. He looks like a drain. Nice of him to dress down for this.
David Cook is wearing: A dour look.
The Top 13 are wearing: Baptism clothes. And some fake-looking silver-ish bling.

LITTLE MONSTERS, INC.

The Top 13 come out now and sing "Born This Way" with their hands on their hips. Durbin's gone blonde, and Casey still walks like that. Lusk can't quit with his penis at you. Karen Rodriguez is about, mm, I'd say she's about 33 tonight. Thia Megia is a class act; Stefano is embracing his sexuality; some of these people I can assure you we've never seen before tonight.

Haley still can't handle what is happening. There's a deathliness to her hallow.

They sing the whole song, which normally wouldn't be weird but in this situation makes it seem really, really long. I'm just glad Casey is having fun. That's what's important. No, that's not the most wonderful part. The most wonderful part is watching Lauren perform in a group of professionals. Wandering into their choreography, smiling manically, desperately trying to catch somebody, anybody's eye, galumphing about with zero percent of a single clue. It really shows you how she deserves -- DeWyzerves? -- to be where she is.

BEING A GAY METAL ROCKER: REDUNDANT, TO SAY THE LEAST

Ryan's "proud" to introduce James Durbin, playing with... Judas Priest! I was so close to saying that yesterday, it was "Journey or Judas Priest or some shit," but then I didn't want to jinx it or find out that they are dead.

Durbin is dressed as: Homosexuality.

I'm not familiar with the song so I can't tell you what is up with it, but Durbin is sleeveless and having a wonderful time, so that's fun. I don't really understand metal at all. It's kind of the opposite of country music, like, you open up the corpse of a demon and then surprise, there's Tweety Bird inside, wishing he had a bigger penis.

Part of the medley is that Beavis song about breaking the law, but mostly it's just that noise James Durbin likes to make, and then they goatee at each other for a while, and it's sweet. I am glad the Judas Priest guy made it out of the '90s, he seems like a nice guy and he has a good sense of humor.

Clearly.

WE REVISIT RANDY'S MANY CONTRIBUTIONS TO AMERICAN CULTURE

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American Idol

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