Tuesday. They've brought in Melodramatic Announcer on Tuesdays now to voice-over the show's opening. Or perhaps he's possessed Ryan. He reminds us that last week, "the hopes of twelve people lay at the mercy of the nation's whim." Thanks for reminding me that I hate people. I'm beginning to take Tsathoggua's side in all of this. He reminds us (melodramatically) that Vanessa was booted, and says melodramatic things like "the screw twists ever tighter." Suddenly the show has turned into an Agatha Christie novel. Tonight the kids will sing again, and one will get booted.
Credits. Ryan "Chasing The Sun" Seacrest greets us from atop the seal, dressed like a participant in Bumfights. Hee hee. "Bum." Anyway, he greets the cheering crowd. A row of Marines is there. Melonbar is there with her "All aboard the Clay Train" sign. I don't see her at the moment, but I figure I'll get that out of the way in case I miss it later. Hi, Melonbar! If anybody out there is able to sneak in a "Shut up, Corey!" sign, I'd appreciate it. Ryan tells us that the kids tonight will be singing movie themes, which of course is a perfect transition to remind us that Kelly (deleted) Clarkson and Justin Guarini's movie will be out soon. What amazing timing! And Kelly's here tonight to pimp her movie for us by singing a song. Incidentally, for next week's theme, contestants will sing their favorite [product-placed cola] jingles.
Ryan introduces the kids out onto the stage. The women are all dressed ridiculously. Ruben is wearing a red and white 205 shirt. So it's business as usual. Then Ryan introduces Simon "Ruthless People" Cowell, Paula "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" Abdul, and Randy "Eat Your Heart Out" Jackson. Ryan recites stupid movie-related jokes as he introduces them, and my computer refuses to let me repeat them here. And this week, we get to see pictures of young Randy and his wild '80s styles. He's standing next to Sammy Hagar while wearing a crazy little bolero hat. There are leopard prints. There is hair. Lots of hair. Square-shaped hair. You know, as ridiculous as he looks in retrospect, Randy was probably the height of style at that time. Of course, now he just wears whatever, so we have to have all our fashion fun at the expense of Paula and Ryan. Oh, and the kids.
Ryan starts blathering on to build up suspense about who the celebrity judge is tonight. Meanwhile, behind him, the words "Gladys Knight" appear on the monitor. Heh. She performed a theme to a James Bond, so that's enough to qualify her to guest judge. That's fine with me -- that means no Diane Warren. Which means no calls to poison control after I pour bleach in my ears. Gladys comes out, and the kids in the audience all cheer, pretending they know who she is. Gladys is really excited to be there, which is awfully cute. It's funny to see actual talented performers supporting the show. She points out the audience that her career started on a talent show like this. And she's worked with Randy before, too. She mimes blowing a kiss at Randy, although somehow it looks like she's miming passing a joint. Okay, then. Ryan pimps Gladys to the audience -- her show in Vegas is tops on the Strip, and she's involved in some movie. There are a lot of jokes about Gladys being afraid to sit next to Simon. Let's move on, please.
How about a Gladys Knight clip show? Man, this one is going to encourage fame whores everywhere. She started singing at the age of four. She was "discovered" at age eight on some talent show. The Pips are founded. The group sings lots of songs. They win awards. She's far more successful than anybody involved with this show is likely to be. That includes you, Simon. When we head back to the stage, Ryan makes a joke about "Gladys Knight and the Drips" in reference to her sitting with the judges. Shut up, Ryan.