American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"It Was Surreal, Is What It Was."

Okay so they wrapped up yesterday at 11 with 96 people, who immediately went wandering around looking for groups to get into. Is that really true? How exhausting. A girl in a funny big belt does a little dance with herself. Crypto-Castro (who it turns out actually is Michael Castro from I guess last year, which begs the question of why they haven't mentioned it at all, but makes my inability to do more than suspect he is the person that he actually is all the lamer), Big Mike, that little boy Tim Urban and another very large fellow -- Seth? -- all wander around and eventually I think team up.

Meanwhile a group assembles, in agreement that they are "feeling" that Fleetwood Mac song "Dreams," and then I guess they also are "feeling" the very original group name "The Dreamers." A cute girl with glasses named Margot, an encouraging young man named Alex Lambert, and the dreadful Mary Powers who -- you guessed it -- will in short order be taking over the entire group, episode, week, galaxy, universe. At some point Margot invites two more girls, one trashy one stupid, named Hope and Erin. Which is which? Who cares. Cute Margot tries to sell Mary and Alex on these other girls, but Alex is weirded out by being in a five-piece with four ladies, and Mary just wants to bitch, because she is the camera-mugging, fake-smiling, nose-piercing worst.

Some lonely girls are having trouble pulling a group together, but meanwhile the tragic Mighty Rangers of Denver have been "drawn" to one another. A group named Phoenix is made up of a grumbling girl, one of the Jermaines, some girl named Kat, and the very high-strung Moorea, whose claim to fame is that she got to this round last year and was in a group with Danny Gokey and Ubiquitous Jamar. She acts flesh-crawlingly goofy about how their rehearsal spot last year was such tremendous good luck, and that she just had to get this year's team into that same closet Danny and Jamar shared (with her), and her eyes go all over like a wild horse and she chews the inside of her face and keeps making these weird complicit expressions, like we're in on a secret joke with her but the joke -- and the secret -- are that she just did a huge rail.

The Mighty Denver people are boring some more and are named things like "Mark" and "Tori" and "Kim." They're having trouble of some kind, and then a new girl in this or another group is stressing about something but making an honest try at not being stressed about the thing. Margot of the Dreamers has been deserted by her co-Dreamers -- a spot of luck because they are clearly jerks, if talented jerks -- but then dumb little Alex and disgusting Mary show up and pretend she never made them let the two tacky young ones into the group, but Margot -- who is sort of a simp, to be honest -- perseverates on those girls and Mary perseverates on Mary and runs around having all kinds of meaningful moments with whoever will listen about how those girls are not there when they should be. So there they go again, wanting their freedom despite Mary's crystal visions. Mary should keep her goddamn crystal visions to herself, I think.

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American Idol

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