American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"Just Try, For Once, Not To Be Annoying."

Everybody know this one was two hours? Not me! The hope being, of course, that it all amounts to slightly less than an hour's worth of actual shit to care about. And by "hope" I mean "duh." The most amazing thing about the Chair this year is that, instead of the face-offs being brutal in a completely emotional fashion, they will also involve actual Motherfucking Singoffs, in the You Got Served standard. That is the best news I have maybe ever heard. Way to go, show.

0700 hours on the last day of all Hollywood. Tatiana informs us that if she loses today, she loses everything. Hopefully her obnoxiously good voice will crumble somehow. Also, the Chair happens at this amazing mansion that is reminiscent of both Wickedly Perfect and Joe Schmo, the two reality shows I most fervently wish we were watching.

Anoop! Anoop! Anoop Is On Fire! We don't need no folklore, let the BBQ burn! He's wearing his best Amber Tamblyn scarf as he enters the opulent wonderland that is Marilyn Mansion looking supremely confident. The limit does not exist! Kara tells him he's always amazing, and we see him sing "What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted," and remembers how he had a fiddly time in Hollywood -- but ultimately (per Randy) Anoop in the house. So that's one.

Von Smith continues to be darling; Ryan wonders what his deal is. His deal is, this is his whole life. That's sort of sad. Ryan muses on his adorable fate: "There's nothing else he can do. The seeds have been sown." He sits down all nervous and Paula is like, "Are you nervous? Is it nerve-wracking?" He explains that Simon's comment on his unholy Hollywood screamfest -- that it was "indulgent nonsense" typical of a child -- may well be true, but the fact is that Von himself knows he cannot be trusted.

After the nonsense, Von decided to change it up and called his family, but they told him to freak out on the people so bad again. So he basically did (on "Sir Duke," that Stevie song about how you can feel it all over, and also all over). Simon tells him that his decision to do this was a big deal for his fate; he's all the way through. Outside in the Manse, his mom wigs out. She is adorable too. He hugs and kisses her and tries not to cry, and you know how Ryan is 99% mommies, so he kind of tries not to lose it too, and it's just delightful.

Ryan tells us how hard it was for the judges to even do this, so now they're doing the Motherfucking Singoffs along the way: cue lots of big strong men freaking out. Then comes Creepy Cody, whom Kara originally thought was a horror show, and then loved his voice. Simon tells him to sing one more time, for all the dominos. He thinks for a second, flutters his eyelashes... And Alex Wagner-Trugman is summoned to the judges room. Cody sings "Love Remains The Same," and it's doomed from the start. Good eye contact, bad eyes to make contact with; it stays nervous and crummy, and Simon sends him out.

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American Idol

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