American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"He Has His Hair Down For Ya."

Two hours, for what I'm told is going to be a small number of the Top 24 revealed. As long as they cry and have relatives with diseases, I'm in. Some girl can't believe how amazing it is to have the chance to be foolish on TV and not do much more. Jaren is doing things, the guy with the neck tattoos, fake grey hair, the Tyler guy. People dying onstage, the Castro falling asleep. An awesome black teardrop of mascara. Amazing. But remember, Ryan asks, 6:50 this morning? We don't, but we will. I'm guessing we'll enjoy the memory.

People yawned and were talking to themselves and us about how amazing they were about to be. That pianist I'm obsessed with was supportive but not really. Pink hair, some guy we've seen... All of them were shitting it. And now the deliberations begin. Wait, I thought this was a memory. Then we watch the Judgery talk about it and they have them all in various rooms. This is just like that movie Memento, but I care even less.

They call them into the three big rooms. Oh, I like this part! Katie Stevens, Tyler Grady, Alex Lambert, Casey James, Andrew Garcia, Tim Urban, and that little shit Todrick are all in Room One. Mary Powers and a bunch of people who don't matter are in Room Two. Three includes tragic Angela Martin, tragicker Maddie Penrose and Haeley. We revisit tragic Angela Martin's just-fine "American Boy" audition in more detail, where she goes flat and sounds hellish. I don't understand why this episode is happening this way. Like, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is great, and it's nice to remember when Brad Dourif was beautiful, but you do NOT want to live there. Angela talks about how amazing it is to be auditioning for this show the 37th time, and it's going to be okay. Kara likes her. But then in the future of the past, Angela breaks down. Maybe she's just trying to figure out what happened to the fourth dimension.

Casey's working that ponytail and learning to dance, in the past or the future or something, and then Ryan's surprised that he made it, and then cried way bad after singing "Bubbly," which is dumb. And then Jermaine Purifoy sang "Brick House" in a stultifying non-soul way. What the fuck is going on here? Was this before, or in the future? Ryan has once again spun my mind like a carousel. Casey sings... Oh, "Bubbly" is that song about how it starts in your toes and continues to your nose. And then ended up in Room One, while Jermaine -- who besides this paragraph has nothing to do with Casey -- ended up in some other room. It's actually more effective to have all this shit happening at once because I barely care as it is, and then time goes all UES and I have no idea what's really happening and what's a dream sequence or a memory or like brunch, so no matter what happens it's exciting.

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American Idol

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