American Idol
I Cannot Do The Smurf

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I Could Have Danced All Night, But I Was Bored
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Tuesday

The lights are really, really aggressive this week, and keep cutting off people's heads so everyone looks like their faces have been replaced with tiny suns. First to have this happen is, of course, Ryan Seacrest, who speaks from his glowing headless neck about how only girls have been eliminated thus far, and how freaky weird that is considering that before the first audition took place, the show's producers decided a guy should win, and have done everything they can to make sure that happens, up to and including letting train-wreck ringers like Mikalah into the competition. Not to mention that they've flat-out, on-record admitted that they only care about the guys this year. So really Ryan's just pointing out that the evil plan is working.

There's a whole thing here every week that is very reminiscent of a certain cola company's general rule of marketing, which is that you have to keep saying you're the best even when you might have competition. Every time they tell us a guy is going to win, it increases the chance that a guy is going to win. Every time they compliment a female contestant by comparing her to Carrie, they up the chances of both people getting ahead. It's the "four out of five dentists" rule, and it works, because people are sheep. It's why they keep amping up the applause for certain people, too: if other people like them, overwhelmingly, and you don't, it solves the cognitive dissonance if you just go ahead and like them too. So I've solved at least half of the Constantine conundrum there, but the other half is I think advanced juju I'm still working on. I'm up against the smurfiness of the whole deal, and how silly and unreal and inauthentic it is, and not that I'm so hardcore and genuine, but it's a specific kind of shallowness with which I haven't been acquainted in a really long time. I'm not his wet-nap like he thinks, and to pretend otherwise is what it will take. That and a couple shots of tequila and some Rilo Kiley to wash it out later.

Ryan's wearing the weirdest sweater; it's dark green and has all these confusing squiggles and ugly words on it and large pieces of negative space. It's like when you walk into Diesel and there's pieces of t-shirts stapled onto other t-shirts and first you think, "Björk made this!" and then you think "Oh. I could make this." Jersette called it a "visual representation of ADD," on the forums, and that's the best possible way to describe it. If you reached into Ryan's head and pulled out a sweater and made him wear it, that's what would happen.

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American Idol

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