American Idol
“I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying”

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"I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying"
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Tonight, the "guys."

On that good old stage, Ryan's head looks weird somehow, and he's talking about how there have been one hundred million viewers, and then says some dumb things we've heard one hundred million times, and all this time only certain parts of his face are moving. He's got L.A. face bad, y'all. Worse than Paula. "After suffering through the likes of Mary Roach and Leroy Wells, apparently you can dig it!'' And also, "good thing you're hooked! Because now you are in control." Not so good come next Wednesday, I wager. Lots of people wanting to avoid a massacre.

Now, some embarrassing crap: they do this "dancing" as they're introduced. Remember Fame? With Debbie Reynolds, and they would come out and go, "I'm Ryan Seacrest! And I'm here to work!" Remember that? It is the essence of cool compared to this. That's like Karen O doing body shots off the Arcade Fire, is what that is like. Nikko Smith is relatively cool with it, even though he's surgically attached to his horrible hat. Scott does a terrible white-boy dance with the revolving white-boy fists. Anthony does a gay stripper dance. Bo does no dancing at all, but does give us some rock horns and pretty much carries it off. Travis does a not-at-all-cute eye-fuck and frankly, in that moment it's over between us, for good. Speaking of: Constantine is too cool for this, by which I mean not cool at all. Cool comes from within. Ask Anwar or Judd. David Brown does a silly funny loveable dance. Jared is embarrassing and Anwar is embarrassing but lovely. Judd is wicked crazy adorable. Joseph is okay, and doesn't muff it like most of the others. Mario is just fine. They're here to work. I'd quit right then, when they sat me down and explained what was going to happen. "Jacob out," I'd say.

On the sidelines are the "girls." Urgh. Seacrest talks about how there's gonna be three weeks of this crap, and he fully admits that Wednesday is going to be a whole lot of filler and bullshit, which is hilarious. Or at least it was, when he said it. He didn't say what kind of filler or bullshit. He left that part out.

Seacrest greets the judges and asks Randy about how during the auditions he kept saying liked the boys. Randy's sticking with it and says it's "time to prove it," and how they are "the best group of guys we've ever had." He smirks as he says this, because the seams are showing. On to the performances because there are just thousands of contestants.

Nikko and the entire black-and-white history of him and his stupid hat, and then he sings "Part Time Lover." Open your eyes! He looks all squinty. It's kind of nasal and the higher notes are pretty forced. There are good parts, but the bad parts are…not great. I like him, he's immensely likeable and seems really nice? But I don't care what happens to him. He's fun to watch but I think the deal is that I don't feel all that connected to him because of the glasses, the hat, the squint, all of it. I'm not terribly sure what he looks like. Some bad notes, some yelling, and we're done. It's a good ending, though. The crowd goes nuts. I can't trust this show at all. The clapping could be partially canned and we'd never know. That bottom third where they say the number you should call seems to have been sponsored by a cell-phone company. If you didn't notice, don't worry -- there are twelve commercials for it this week. I can't wait until they just say "fuck it" and shave the Sonic Wave of a certain cola into the back of Ryan's hair. And you know he'd let them do it, too.

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American Idol




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