American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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A Spring Clean For The May Queen

Okay, let's Give Back. Ride white and blue spotlights, and Ryan has been crying. You can tell. First up: Barack and Michelle, thanking you for watching this show and giving to IGB ($40M+ raised over its lifetime!). Michelle, I like her so much. She seems like a real cool mom/good friend kind of person, like the Tracy Flick head of the PTA that won't quit with the fundraising and powerbaking and yoga classes and then at the end of the year you're like, "She's exhausting but we did just buy a rocketship for our school, and I hope my daughter turns out exactly like her." Maybe actually I will give up my quest to adopt Kylie from the Windows ads and just look into adopting Michelle Obama.

We're not going to talk about the sponsors -- no matter how many times Ryan and his Ryanettes flog them -- because we don't like ethical carbon-trading. Packaging, supply chain, disgusting hormones and creepy chemicals; starting pointless wars, endless lobbying for vile concerns that they don't even care about so politicians will give back to them in return, in order to serve the lobbyists of the vile concerns for the companies that actually derive profit from them: If these companies actually wanted to do good, they would stop doing bad in the first place. That is a very simple equation, and we should be smarter than this.

Ryan likes Simon's dapper outfit, which earns him a sexy wink and nod. Ryan's hair is at its all-time Tintin Tiptop and it is fabulous. Queen Latifah is elsewhere, being the Ryan for some other city I didn't catch because they are both strong gay black women. I don't care about where Latifah actually is, because the Black Eyed Peas are there so it's the kind of party to which I don't require an invite. Also Carrie Underwood, Jeff Beck and Joss Stone, and Sirs Elton John and Annie Lennox, as always.

Over in the Kodak, Mary J and Alicia are there. One good, one evil. Firstly the Top Twelve are reunited for some more Inspiring things, all wearing white. Tim and Crystal and Lee all look very nice harmonizing in a very autotuned way, to some bullshitty song that sounds like a Queen mashup with "All Through The Night." The song seems to be mostly about prevailing weather conditions, and Casey Jones has a fupa. There's nasty old Lacey and Andrew, shoved up on the stairs with Didi and Lee/Crystal. The other ones, I don't remember their names. Then they hold hands and break into couples, and the couples all make sense: Mike/Crystal, Lacey/Lee, Casey with Didi and Lacey. Siobhan has a cute mod hairband/bubble hairdo, like in Hairspray, and looks like she is on Quaaludes. Last night she was like one of Titania's handmaids and now look at her: Beauty school dropout.

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American Idol

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