American Idol
Idol Gives Back

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Idol Gives Something
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Ryan starts out not really bringing his "A" game, and has to do the intro over again, including panning the camera backwards along the line of Idols, who are all wearing personalized bright-white outfits, and doing the whole thing over again. Ryan's smoothness is such that even as you're watching him fuck up, for like the first time ever, he gives the strong impression that it is not a fuckup, and that he and the camera guy are going to work together to bring this unfortunate situation to a conclusion agreeable to all parties. The judges are dressed up super nice for tonight's mega-nuts event, and you can see Simon's entire torso, which flirts with Ryan to an amazing degree, along with the rest of him. When they get like this it's confusing; it's like trying to be equal friends with both halves of a married couple: impossible and a little creepy. Ryan tells us that his "good friend" Ellen Degeneres is over at the Walt Disney concert hall, simulcasting or something. Ryan Seacrest called Ellen his good friend! Is that code for something? OMG are they dating?

Ellen offers for the millionth time to sing "Shoop," like she does at least once a day, and for the sixteenth year running, nobody's interested. "Ladies, what's my weakness? Australian Lipstick Lesbians!" Mine too! There's nothing worse than seeing Ellen at a loss, because she is so wonderful when she's on, but when she rests on her shtick like this, or God forbid gets aggressively earnest in the middle of a bit, it's hard to watch. I will always love her, but I think we should tell her that she doesn't have to be on all the time. That tank won't run on empty, but she persists in driving sometimes when the needle's past the red, and it's so unnecessary, because she's awesome just being normal. She simultroduces Earth Wind & Fire, who...seem to be from the future. The man sings like a lady, but dresses like an intergalactic assassin. Earth Wind & Fire is now my favorite band, I had no idea. They perform some disco song about a "Boogie Wonderland," I think, and it occurs to me that like, you know how I don't know the names of any songs? That's going to kill us tonight, because it's two hours of wall-to-wall singing, plus some AIDS. That's the mandate. There's a man playing the guitar that looks like Melinda. Oh, it's a medley! We'll just pretend I didn't say that above, because I actually do know all the songs. And as long as we're pretending, let's also pretending that I'm not bleep-blooping past my new favorite band.

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American Idol

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