American Idol
Knock It Off (The Box)

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Knock It Off (The Box)
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Ryan recaps: It started with 193 people going to "Hollywood" for the "chance of a lifetime," and then there were three days of grueling challenges, such as singing a song, and dancing around, and making Elizabeth Pha feel like shit. Now only 75 remain -- but the journey is far from over. Tonight there will be "a battle on center stage" with one last chance. Your purple prose? Just gives you away. I know that the whole deal with this show is making us all into tiny Regina Brookses that totally might die if we don't find out right now who gets cut and who will make it and all that, but it's just so tiring every time. Twice a week? Makes it harder to care, especially since I barely remember any of the people I'm supposed to be rooting for in the first place. Sarah Mather and Lindsey Cardinale are different people, right? And tonight they're engaging in a battle on center stage for their one last chance?

So after that, we learn what it actually means: that all the people are in four rooms, and two of the rooms are going into yet another round tomorrow night to determine the Final 24, so really, what are we going to call that? A battle to the death on center stage? How can we get more topspin on that? Oh, right. An Evil Chair. Anyhow, we see some people in the four rooms -- this strung-out-looking dude, John Zisa, Cardinale, Scott Savol, Kurtis, Sharon Galvez, Mikalah, some long-haired guy that might be Bo Bice.

Wait, so it's just them in four rooms? And then some of them go through and some go home? So this episode should be like four minutes long, right? Wrong. Because we're totally going into a flashback.

That morning… It was totally crazy! It was "a mixture of anxiety and nervous anticipation." Also mixed in there were: some distress, a soupcon of trepidation, a liter of apprehension, worry all up out the joint, and some uneasy uneasiness. Not to mention redundancy. We see that strung-out guy again, now in the context of both anxiety and nervous anticipation. Jennifer Todd goes more into depth with Ryan about -- you guessed it -- how nervous everybody is right now. She can totally feel it coming from everybody. They're really nervous, you guys. Are you nervous? I'm nervous. Mixed with anxious trepidation.

Constantine, Anwar, that lamb-voiced bleating stripper girl with the dark gamine hair and horrific shiny eye shadow who I swear I saw once on Taxicab Confessions making out with her stripper friend. She bleats about how "it takes a lot out of you emotionally." Clichés in such brain-crushing amounts tonight, and I'm just getting angrier and angrier. Crooner Ross, Jaclyn, people losing their voices, people having throat discomfort. Mikalah, who is not "packing her bags." Mikalah singing in the bathroom. She's just got to keep pushing all the time, it's exhausting to watch. Stop pushing me, Gordon. Give it a rest. And on a related note, Anwar strikes quite a pose in the foyer.

Now Ryan explains how they got to sing "a song of their choice" a cappella for the judges before they were herded like cattle into their four rooms. But I wonder how "of their choice" they really were, since on this entire show I've only heard either A) songs from junior high or earlier, or B) songs by those people whose are the only albums being sold right now because only old people buy albums, like Josh Groban or Alicia Keys or that girl who doesn't know why she didn't come. Neither of which fit under my "choice," exactly. Well, okay: If I were auditioning for American Idol, I would sing that Helen Reddy song where the girl magically traps the man inside her radio.

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American Idol




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