American Idol
Knock It Off (The Box)

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Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
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Knock It Off (The Box)

Osborne Smith is now "Nikko" Smith, which apparently is the name of a monkey from The Wizard of Oz or something, which is cool I guess because Nikko's dad is, of course, the baseball player Ozzie Smith, who's called the Wizard of Oz, and whatever. They ask him, "apropos of nothing," whether he still has his lucky coin. Bet he does. Yeah, he does. They tell him to thank it, and then congratulate him. The signal to noise here is such that I might -- in the heat of finding out something like this -- be a little confused as to what in fact my fate might be, but he's smarter than me, old Nikko. He gets it, and lets it go, and he's happy. It's nice.

Aloha Mischeaux. Who? I know, right? Simon tells her the decision was not unanimous, and lets it stretch out into infinity before telling her she's through to the Top 24. I'm so totally excited because I've totally never seen her before in my life and couldn't care less. She totally collapses and I still don't care. Ryan giggles because he can hear her screaming in the elevator. She and her mom freak out and she wants a donut, and it's pretty adorable but I still don't really care.

So Mikalah is so fucking freaked out that she's acting like a person, and even her mom from deep within herself has pulled it together for me and is being pretty sweet about how Mikalah's really talented (true, in a brassy Divine Miss Mikalah kind of way) and she is a good girl (I don't believe it for a second). The judges are all pleasantly surprised because she's acting like a human girl instead of an unholy amalgam of Jerry Lewis and Ethel Merman. Paula is like, "How are you feeling, honey?" in this tone where it's like she's worried because Mikalah's not acting like herself. As though that's a bad thing. She's pensive and really likeable -- I know, I know -- as she just pretty much bares it: "You know, I can't even…it's been rough today. So…I've seen a lot of really talented people go home." It's all so real. The judges talk crazy about how they've had to send people home and then Simon has to be the cliché that he is, so he's like, "I don't mind." Mikalah looks at him like he's repugnant. "Oh, Simon!" Randy agrees that he's being pointless and classless.

Paula asks what she'd do if she had it to do all again, which I'm guessing she asked every single person, and which is utterly dumb and meaningless and has no good answer. Just like every other question they ask them. "Why do you deserve to be the next American Idol?" What the hell do you say to that? I can't even think of anything funny to say. Or anything to say, period. Anyway, Mikalah again does the right thing by…not answering the stupid question at all. Good girl.

"I feel like I've…whether making it on not, I'll leave here with…a fabulous experience, and a lot of lessons learned. But -- I don't think I'd come back next year."

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American Idol

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