American Idol
Knock It Off (The Box)

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
Knock It Off (The Box)

This makes Paula sad, because she loves it when people are coming back next year, because she's not sure when that is. "I'm sorry to put you through this," she says, because there are producers holding a knife to her back that we can't see due to the power of editing, and they are forcing her to do this shit even though she would prefer not to do so, because it makes her look like a dick. And then she puts Mikalah through.

And the sucking begins. All hell breaks loose, and Mikalah turns on to her weird persona of Barbra Streisand and scariness and…it's like Lauren Ambrose in Psycho Beach Party, only not at all freaking adorable. Uncouth. It's like her fake personality is her real personality and she only turns into a human girl at times of breakdown or stress or fear. She's like the opposite of the Hulk. She gets less gross when she's freaked out. Which, I mean, you do the math for yourself, but at this point I can't say I'm all that dissimilar from her, so it would be hypocritical to hate her. So I don't.

You hear me, you stupid show? I love her. Okay? I hope she fucking wins.

Even though she's gross.

Anyway, she wigs the fuck out and hugs everybody and the only person not into it is Simon. Of course, she hugs Paula across the table, while coming around to give both males the full body contact hug because she's obviously into the approval of men blah blah blah. I mean, it's legitimately sad. Somebody with a personality this big could have guys eating out of her hand, but instead she comes off like that little girl in your elementary school that was sick all the time and always needed a hug from your teacher.

Oh it's fucking amazing to see this. She talks and talks and yaps and is weird and it's so fucking strange how she goes from human to this Fran Drescher bot, and I know I'm going on and on about it but it's like -- if this were a movie about a person with some kind of disorder where they turn into a vaudeville act when somebody snaps their fingers, she'd win, like, an Oscar. She does manage to fit in the fact that Simon is pretty much a fuckface, and as far as I'm concerned he is, here. With regard to her specifically. But then so am I, I guess. She talks to the cameras and the judges and whatever and asks disingenuous questions about what elevator button she should push, et cetera, whatever, like she's just so flustered and schritzing and whatever.

I'm happy for her, so much so that I'm surprising to myself, but on the other hand, you knew it was a snake when you picked it up, so I'm going to repress. She tells her mom the good news, and they jump all around screaming like fucking twice the cabaret show and I'm so horrified that I'm going to ignore it because I want to be happy for her, I guess, loving the alien and all that, and also I've heard her sing enough at this point that I think she deserves to be there.

Anthony talks to Ryan about the shaking of his legs, while holding hands with Tammy. It goes on a long while, this talk of shaking. Ryan finally sends him up. Suit as usual, shirt open to sternum as usual, admitting that his last performance wasn't so great. He's quite good-looking, in a grody, creepy kind of "Shia LeBeouf just turned eighteen" kind of way. He tells them how nervous and grateful he is, after a clip of him singing some song during Hollywood week. They tell him they discussed him at length. How I wish that were true about the forums too, so I wouldn't have to feel so bad about how much I hate Constantine every time I read the threads. He's through, and it's a shocker. He jumps around spazzily like he's pogoing for real, which is actually pretty awesome considering he looks like Doogie Howser's little brother at a circuit party and talks like James Earl Jones. Cognitive dissonance rocks my hizzy.

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American Idol




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