American Idol
Knock It Off (The Box)

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Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
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Knock It Off (The Box)

"Can I ask you something? Have you ever been in love?" If I was, I didn't know it. You? "No. Isn't that terrible?" Terrible? No, it just reminds you that we're all alone, that's all.

You know what, never mind. Party on, Paula. "Way."

Anwar. Riffing on how he's a teacher, Randy talks some crazy talk about how "We don't want the kids to miss you, but um…the kids are going to have to wait, dude. Maybe you do know what you're teaching." He's like, "Wow." Then they talk about how it's validating, not to mention good for the kids themselves, because "they'll really be able to see that if you put your best foot forward, and if you believe in yourself, you'll be able to go very far -- even further than anybody could imagine." Barf. I love Anwar and all, but jeez. The whole time Ryan's got his arm around him and is staring right into his hot fucking sexy mind-obliterating eyeballs. It's nice, not dirty or anything, I'm not writing fan fiction here, but it is kind of hot. That's all I'm saying.

Ryan voices over about how "the good luck stopped there," and then we cut to Delma, and that's funny, because clearly, and then same deal with good old John Zisa, who's cool about losing out on the split decision, and then Ryan begins the whole wax-on wax-off about the crappy performance of John, JP, and Kurtis, and says the awesome: "On that day nobody did worse than JP." And I mean, I like JP a whole lot, but even he would admit that he was the worst by a long shot.

JP's confident today. "I believe that I brought it to the table." He takes a seat in The Chair, and looks so adorable and sweet and wholesome. Randy gets kind of weird and goes on and on about how some are going to lose, and some are going to win, and some things are obvious, and other things are self-evident. He deflates because it's clearly a no, and then he JPs out and thanks them one million times and they stare at him, waiting for him to leave.

But he doesn't. "Wow, I didn't think that was what was going to happen, but…" So they tell him he made it a long way and had a good journey -- you know what, drink every time they say that word from now on -- and he nods and stares and they all look at each other. This is the point in the evening when you can't find the words to tell your date that the date is over. More staring. They say, "Sorry." And then they stare. And then he kind of clicks in and says, "It's okay you guys, it was nice to meet all of you." He finally stands up. And the staring continues. Randy and Paula hug him, at a loss as to how to get him out of there. Simon shakes his hand, and then a voice-over of him singing "That's Life," and I really think real is underrated. He's like, "I'm 28, and this is it for me." And I want to tell him how wrong he is, and not to buy that shit, but he can't hear me. He's just on TV.

There's some commercial for some show called Life On A Stick, okay, and there's bad acting, and homophobia. I hope it's as awesome as it looks like it's going to be, because the sitcom is dying.

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American Idol

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