American Idol
Knock It Off (The Box)

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Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
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Knock It Off (The Box)

Now there's: Ross freaking out, Anwar freaking out, Carrie shaking like a freak and then freaking out, Mario being nervous in a dumbass hat, and then a montage of everybody singing, and the people cheering in the audience, which you know I really like. Quick Jaclyn, Sean McNeill, JP, and Scott (looking utterly deranged, as per usual) filing out of the auditionorium as the judges begin their deliberations. It's like the Sorting Hat, only no matter what, you lose.

Then quick shots of the rooms, and this is ridiculous, because it's totally wrong and fake, and calculated to throw you off, because they're actually intercutting shots from different rooms? So it's like the only purpose of this little bit is to, um, show you that the contestants were, like, in some rooms. The rooms contain Lindsay and Jaclyn holding hands, and I think that Mean Girl that wasn't Carrie, Rachel, and the lovely Rashida, and a cleaned-up Sharon. One room contains Aa'shia, and Jennifer Todd in the same shot. So fucking suspenseful. Another room has JP, Bo -- who is looking a thousand times better -- and Anthony, and another room has Carrie Underwood, and some room has Mario. And the rooms also contain 62 other people, because they're all in one of the four rooms. So basically we're done here.

JP is, of course, freaking out and sweating. There's an alien I've never seen before with blonde hair and a wild look. There's effing Dezmond. Amanda Avila, and Shunta (nicknamed in the forums "Shunta Funkup," which rules), and Jaclyn, who thinks she did okay.

Pointless exposition that it's 6:00 PM, but that's meaningless since we could be in real time, or in a flashback, or the first day of auditions, or D-Day. We've established that once upon a time, at some point, in L.A., it was 6:00 PM. Now we focus on the individual rooms. I swear there's a point at which the rooms switch what number they are, but I couldn't care less, so I don't know when (or for sure that) it happens.

In Room One, they're all reflecting on their American Idol journey. I'd love to join them on that little hell ride, but I've never seen any of them in my life. We flash back to Sharon Galvez in her regular job as a cocktail waitress in the Vegas. She apparently does karaoke on the bar, as part of her job. I don't have a good feeling about that, as a career. Plus, it makes you look kind of like a douche, because like, singing karaoke standing on a bar in Vegas wearing the clothing of a common streetwalker? Shows you want to be a serious performer, like, not at all. She sings here in "Hollywood" that song about our future and how it's our children. I couldn't tell you if it's good. I no longer know what constitutes good singing. Too much of this show too often. It all just sounds like singing to me.

Also in this group is Shunta "Funkup" Werthen, who is wearing an insanely cute white suit and looks like a million bucks. The reason, I figured out, that she looks like such a drag queen is because she has a gigantic face, like her head and the front part of her head are huge, and her features are proportionate to that, and so if you slap on any makeup it all looks as big as the rims on my Impala. The point of makeup is to emphasize features and bring them all into harmony with one another, but since her features and face are so gigantic, she's just like this insect that appears much larger than it really is, when she's got the crazy obnoxious clown lady makeup on. Here? Her features are very distinctive and she has a really big face, and she sounds frigging great, and I like looking at her.

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American Idol

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