American Idol
Knock It Off (The Box)

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
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Knock It Off (The Box)

Judd Harris (27, NYC) is unassuming, uninteresting, and never before seen on my TV. He sings "Mustang Sally" and he's awesome, with a booming voice and a nice growl in it back there. He's got those Sal Mineo dark circles and looks like he needs to rest up, but he's hot and unexpected and a good singer. Also in here are David Brown, Anwar, Janay, and Vonzell. Just in case you didn't get it, this room is all good.

Come with us now to Vonzell's life as a mail carrier. Join her in her truck, where she loves the fact that she gets to sing and listen to music all day. Some of the people on her route like to come out and bug her and ask about her musical career. Kickboxer, fashion victim, mail carrier. Awesome singer. There's nothing she can't do! She's got interests, I like that. More neon stuff all over her. She sings one of the creepier songs ever penned, "Natural Woman," while wearing a decidedly unnatural side ponytail, and there are some weird, unnatural goblin movements, but she sounds really good.

Randy and Paula finally come to give the obvious news that they're good. First, they are asked to give themselves a big round of applause, which: gay, and then Randy goes on and on about how there are both winners and losers in this competition. Barf. They're totally going to go there, yeah. So Paula whines about how it's "so tough" and it "breaks her heart" and she's acting like she's going to cry. You can only pull this crap so many times before it starts to grate, and that number of times is one or maybe two, but this whole last couple of weeks -- especially tonight and tomorrow night -- hit the panic button so many damn times it's like when the person in a movie hears the sound of the killer but it turns out to just be a cat. So dumb.

Paula, with this jacked up potato-like Botoxified immobile fake crying face? You have made your cute outfit uglier. I hope you're happy. Then, of course, they're through and they scream and yell and act like it wasn't completely obvious. Alien is crying on his cell phone. Constantine sticks his stupid tongue out and it's approximately as cool as when Drew Barrymore does the Wayne's World air-guitar riff at the burger place in Charlie's Angels, and they all freak out and are happy.

Into Room Three, where they can totally hear the Room Two freak-out, which is hilarious but kind of sad, but mostly hilarious. Dezmond, my great love interest Carrie Zaruba, Kurtis from VA looking if possible even hotter, Ross talking right out his ass, Aa'shia ditto, and Jennifer Todd. And then a funny meta part where Dezmond is talking also out of his ass about how Simon constantly tells people that are perfect that they are crappy, but he does it in this way where he's just concerned for other people, not because it happened to him, which it did, in his own mind. And then, of course, flip to footage of the whole "Magic Mountain" debacle, where Simon told Dezmond he was a freak show, and there's "I Heard It Through The Grapevine," and I imagine Paula being all, "He did the California Raisins, and he did it better than the California Raisins!" And it's not that great, it's tricksy and lazy and annoying, and he's different and obnoxious when he's a cappella, and I hate it.

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American Idol

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