Shout-out to Chris, who e-mailed me to tell me that my "theory" about the Seal of Tsathoggua is similar of a plot to a little-known animated feature from 1983 called Rock & Rule. If somebody on the show sings a Blondie song, mankind is doomed.

Tuesday. Ryan "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" Seacrest, dressed in a ratty old T-shirt that probably cost $250 at a West Hollywood "thrift" store and jeans with those faded fronts, greets us with this week's performers atop the Seal of Tsathoggua. He looks exactly like a desperate guy trying to stave off the aging process by dressing young. If you want to stave off the aging process, cut down on the tanning, dude. And eat something. These kids are gonna sing. You're gonna vote for them. Got it? Good.

Credits. Incidentally, in Lovecraftian mythos, Tsathoggua is served in his underground caverns by a horde of formless, shape-shifting spawn. Doesn't it give the opening credits a whole new meaning?

Ryan greets us again atop the Seal, sans contestants. His shirt reads, "Life is a jungle." I guess he must be trying to stay so skinny so that predators won't have any interest in him. He blathers on about the voting some more and tells us all that Charles Grigsby and Julia DeMato were voted on to the finals last week. They spelled Julia's name right this week. But don't pat yourselves on the back, yet, guys. I sense a pending call from your geography teachers.

Ryan heads over and introduces us again to Randy "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" Jackson, Paula "Holding Back The Years" Abdul, and Simon "Hell-Bent For Leather" Cowell. He also points out that the judges got all their predictions wrong last week. They shrug off their own irrelevancy, knowing that they're at least more important than the judges on Are You Hot?

And though we don't have time to have the kids sing more that a minute of music, we still have time to tease Simon. A tabloid newspaper snagged some pictures of Simon as a younger man in the '80s. At least I'm guessing it's the '80s, because when they show us the pictures, it's all metal hair. I think perhaps Simon's misguided attempt to emulate Freddie Mercury may have played some role in his seeming discomfort around all the gay stuff. Nice muscles, though. Oh, and there's one of him in a blue Speedo. Randy is way too excited about the picture. Ryan and Paula tease him, pointing out that he's "put on few" as he's gotten older. Paula's the last person who should be teasing somebody about the ravages of age.

Ryan heads over to Pimp Central, while at the same time pimping the [product-placed wireless service] that's offering the blah blah text-message-cakes. The kids are here. The families are here, too. I bet they gave them booze this week in the hopes of inspiring a fight. Ryan asks the kids if it's tougher to perform for the camera or for the judges. They all say judges. Of course they say judges. You can't be a fame whore if you're afraid of cameras.

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