American Idol
London's Bridge Is Really Loud

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Find some new shtick, Bic

Tuesday. Ryan "I Don't Wanna Go On with You Like That" Seacrest greets us from the Seal of Tsathoggua, along with this week's group of eight. He appears to be wearing a track jacket made out of tire treads. He reminds us about the voting. Somebody should remind him about the bad fashion.

Credits. Ryan greets us again, alone on the Seal, and blathers on for a bit before reminding us that last week's contestants sucked elephant balls. He wonders if this week's group will let the nerves get to them, too. See, that's their excuse for last week. Not lack of talent. "Nerves." They don't want to admit that they picked a bunch of bad singers. Ryan adds that the stress is increased by having the "cold, dead eyes of the judges looking down on [them]." You're one to talk about cold, dead eyes, Muppet Boy. Ryan introduces Simon "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Cowell by insulting his hair. Simon responds, "You dare say that to me when you're dressed like that?" Ryan insists, "This is called fashion." Simon: "Yeah, right. Where?" Ryan: 0; Simon: 200,000 and counting. And I think the answer to Simon's question is "Goodyear." Paula "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" Abdul is wearing a red sleeveless top that makes her boobs look all saggy. Ryan declares that Randy "I'm Still Standing" Jackson is "half the size, but all the dawg." I don't think he's even half the size, honestly.

Ryan heads to Pimp Central to introduce all the kids. The first contestant tonight is Elizabeth LeTendre. Her last name is pronounced to rhyme with "tender," making it sound like her last name could be the pidgin Frenchified name for a new exotic show at the Paris in Las Vegas. (Seriously, they just put "Le" in front of everything there and toss out French references without rhyme or reason. My car was parked in the Louvre.) In her clip show, Elizabeth tells us she's a dance instructor. And then we watch her dance about. When she arrives at the studio, she kisses the Seal. Ew. Does she have any idea how much calf's blood has been spilled on there? She tells us she wants to show us all she can be fun and spunky, yet also poised and classy. But when she tried looking classy at the Pasadena auditions, Simon criticized her. Well, her outfit was awful and she had her hair pulled back in an unflattering fashion. I don't think that the problem was that she tried the classy look. The problem was that she did it poorly. So she decides to stick with fun and spunky. Oh, and like every other dancer that's appeared on the show, she insists she's going to prove that she's a better singer than a dancer. And like every other dancer that's appeared on the show, she's wrong.

Elizabeth heads up to the Seal wearing this bizarre black mini-dress with a metallic, multi-colored floral print on it. It looks like it's made of vinyl -- almost like somebody made a dress out of a black-light poster. I wonder if the flowers glow if she goes near a UV lamp? Elizabeth has chosen -- snerk -- "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," best noted for being the song choice for the most wonderfully awful semifinal performance last season. Sadly, now that the Great Unknown is there as a back-up band instead of just a piano, the camp value is seriously diminished. Now it just sounds like any other mediocre song. Elizabeth is loud and boring. This song really just isn't interesting. It wasn't back when Whitney first sang it. The dress and black boots she's wearing make her dancer legs look fat. Of course they're not, but that's how she looks. And most disappointingly? She doesn't add the part where the mystery voice orders "Dance!" the way Jennifer did last year. So sad. So boring. So forgettable.

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American Idol

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