American Idol
Moon Over Miami

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I will always wave my booty in your face!

Tuesday: Ryan "You're So Vain" Seacrest greets us and introduces us to tonight's semifinalists and their endless rows of shiny giant teeth. Clearly the big winners in the general public's desperate pursuit of fame are America's orthodontists.

Credits. When we return, Ryan is standing on the Seal of Tsathoggua, feeding us pick-up lines and trying to get us to come back to his place. Sorry, Ryan, I prefer my men to be…men, you know? Plus, I don't know anybody important in Hollywood, so sleeping with me won't get you anywhere. Ryan heads over and introduces us to Simon "Tired Of You" Cowell, Paula "Crazy Town" Abdul, and Randy "Bacon Fat" Jackson. Simon calls Ryan the "Lorenzo Llama [sic] of reality TV." What? Is that supposed to make sense somewhere? Even if he had gotten the name right, I believe Lorenzo Lamas is the Lorenzo Lamas of reality television. Did he retain Paula's "joke" "writer"? Then Simon teases Ryan some more by replaying the Studdard manwich from last week in super-slow motion. Ryan says he "took it like a man." I'm sure that's not the first time he's bragged with that line. Simon declares Ryan to be pathetic and "showed in front of twenty-five million people that [he is] a woman." Well, I say we see how Simon reacts when he's crushed between two 300-pound men, just for fun. Repeatedly. Let's see how "manly" he is. And thanks for bringing the misogynistic non-sequiturs, too. Actually, I take it back. Let's see how Simon reacts when he's crushed between two 300-pound women. Ryan responds that he's been showing us all that he's a woman for the past year. Whatever. Making your own gay jokes isn't going to convince us that you're straight.

Ryan reminds us that two people from tonight's group will be joining Julia, Charles, Ruben, and Kimberley in the finals. He gives us the blah blah blah text-message-cakes as he heads over to Pimp Central to greet the kids and their families. Ryan expresses relief that nobody in this group can injure him. Actually, I'm sure three-quarters of the contestants are capable of snapping Ryan like a twig, and that has nothing to do with their weight.

First up is Kimberly Kelsey. She was the one who had the fight with her mom on the phone during the Glendale auditions right before she had to go sing. That's not much of a gimmick, but it's apparently all she's got. In her interview, she tells us she had a hard time figuring out which song to sing. She says she picked a harder song to sing because of Simon's comments about "stepping up the game" or "raising the game" or "sticking the game in a rocket and launching it into space" or whatever they're talking about.

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American Idol

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