American Idol
Moon Over Miami

Episode Report Card
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I will always wave my booty in your face!

Time for the individual critiques. Samantha had no soul and isn't in the top three. America loved Vanessa's big booty -- she's in the top three. She heads over to the stools, waving her arms around like a little kid pretending that she's a plane. Jordan was meh and nobody cared. He's not in the top three. Lou has a creepy perma-smile, and America filed a restraining order. He's not in the top three. America still thinks Eddie Murphy is hysterical, so Rickey made it to the top three. George is stuck knowing that he didn't make it because there are still two people left after him and having to listen to Ryan blather anyway. He didn't make it. Equoia and Kimberly are the last two left. But of course, commercials.

When we return, it's time to fill the last stool. I think they changed the stools. These stools look like those little drinking fountains at the park for some reason. Kimberly and Equoia were equally bland. Equoia's the one who gets the third seat. Kimberly keeps it together and gives Equoia a congratulatory hug as she heads over to sit in the third drinking fountain.

Now it's time to show what the judges predicted. All three of them picked Vanessa. Randy also picked Kimberly. Paula delusionally picked George. Simon picked Kimberly. So they were half-right. Ryan asks them to guess what the viewers saw that they didn't. Paula non-answers that it's a tough competition blah blah blah. She looks around for a nurse to give her more pills. Simon blathers on about image versus talent and "Where are my singing bimbos?" blah blah blah. Simon thinks that maybe things are being taken too far. Yes, whatever will he do if they make it to the finals without any women he wants to sleep with? Paula accuses Simon of promoting eating disorders. He told Vanessa to lose some weight. It's not like he told Ryan to lose weight. That would be promoting an eating disorder. The judges blather on and argue and nobody cares. Who wins?

Finally, Ryan cuts them all off to reveal the first winner for the night. It's Vanessa and her big booty. She claps and waves her feather boa around. Ryan makes her wave her ass at the camera "for America." Yes, this show is much too classy to have somebody who appeared on an adult web site. Vanessa blathers on about how she almost fell of the drinking fountain stool and she's wearing shoes with giant soles and blah blah blah. She doesn't get to sing, because we spent all that time at the beginning promoting a show that is already over. Good planning there. Who will get the second spot in the finals? We'll find out after the commercials.

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American Idol

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