American Idol
Nashville Idol: Finals

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Generation Loss, Or: Continual Nuisances In Your Own House

So what I heard was that Lauren Alaina was arrested on La Cienega Boulevard trying to steal a car. That's what I heard. All hopped up on Pixie Stix and butter, just wailing on a young mother of three. The Last Ford Focus Picture Show.

Upside: Haley advances to the Final.
Downside: Zero downside.

But they did something to her, some Clockwork Orange kind of thing, and even though Haley was prepped -- ready to sing, okay, "House of the Rising Sun," "I Who Have Nothing" and "Bennie and the Jets," the three best things of this whole year besides learning how Casey Abrams exists -- then I guess it all went to hell.

Haley: "I blame the Judges, basically. Some more."
Seacrest: "We have to blame somebody, because otherwise this is one cold motherfucker of a universe."

AS PER USUAL

Scott looks nervous; Lauren looks stupid and happy. Nothing on Earth could remind me how much I actually like Scott McCreary than putting him next to Lauren Alaina. Nothing could ever do that job.

Scott: "What, me worry?"

Seacrest: "So like... What's with the car stealing?"
Lauren, still uppity: "I'm here, I'm ready to sing, and I'm fine. Don't worry about it."

Random Doctor Guy: Explains the actual deal, which is that Lauren oversang in rehearsals because she's an idiot and has no idea what she's doing, but they've juiced her with stem cells and bourbon so it's okay, but this still won't be fun in any way.
MTV's Own Jim Cantiello: "Or they're just replacing her with her mother since nobody will know the difference."

Seacrest: "Carrie Underwood will choose Lauren's song, and George Strait will choose Scott's song, at some point. That sounds about right. Hey, you know what? Why don't we just have Carrie Underwood and George Strait come onstage and sing whatever they feel like singing, kick the middlemen in their middlenuts, and then this thing won't be quite such a trudge into nightmare."

j/k! NOT EVEN HALEY COULD DO THAT

Scott sings "Gone" with all the energy one would expect of a ringer that doesn't give a shit about any of this. It's laid back. I know you can't tell because of how he's always so smug and slutty all the time, but even for Scotty it's pretty laid back. I hope he's having fun. God bless. I mean, I'm trying to locate my ire for Scott and I simply can't find it. Behind the jug-ears? No, they're adorable. The eyebrow-fucking nastiness? He doesn't even know he's doing that anymore. It's just... Scott, you guys. The Pre-Anointed Am.Idol.X. Simba, left to feed on a bloated cultural corpse. Anglerfish doing-it.

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American Idol

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