The good news is, no will.i.am. The bad news is the double-shot of gross that is the ghoulish corpse of Iggy Pop -- and the even ghoulisher, demonic visage of Constantine Maroulis -- will be happening. Kind of a wash, really, except who thought, You know, Paul McDonald isn't scary and gross enough each week, let's reach into the bottom of the garbage disposal and find some unidentifiable stuff with our bare fingers?
Plan of attack: I feel a mild pleasantness toward all these kids, besides Lusk and McDonald. Like you might feel if you saw a rerun of Suddenly Susan was showing on, like, TBS right now. You might not choose to watch it, but it's not like you would throw your bowl of soup at the wall. They're not serial killers. It's not like you're watching Two & A Half Men or an interview with Patricia Heaton or something that would actually make you feel bad about life.
J. Lo is wearing a red satin shirt and trousers and a knob on her head not unlike what Pia wore at some point, possibly last night but definitely in real life. Constantine is here, so that'll cut a good five minutes, and we'll be working very quickly through Iggy Pop , so this shouldn't take too long.
Wow, no wonder Ryan didn't tell us last night -- despite the horrific five minutes we actually went over -- who it was that was going to be visiting. "Come back tomorrow night at 8/7c for Constantine Maroulis, won't you?"
LOVE IN THE HOUSE OF SPIES
The group number is a medley of songs that have nothing to do with each other, of course. Haley's drag queen voice gets taken out for its usual walk at this time, eventually becoming something special, while Lauren's wearing a blowsy Chico's romper that keeps making my BFF the Defender Of The Public ask, "Who's Kirstie Alley over there?" Her own grandmother; don't ask.
What I think happened is, whatever Stefano did to piss off Iovine and will.i.am is what Lauren did to piss off Gwen Stefani, and that's why she's dressed like her granddaughter-mother's free-spirited Patricia Clarkson sister.
Pia is in fine voice, breasts going more nuts tonight than they've ever gone before, and of course yes, the shrieking inability of anybody to harmonize with anybody else is battling the constant whiteboy pointing at everyone and everything as to which is more annoying. The song is "I Love Rock & Roll," a song I remember hating as far back as preschool, so it's mostly girls here at the start. Then they switch over to "The Letter," where you've got Haley and Casey being total professionals while Paul and Scotty almost injure themselves trying to upstage each other and get their dumb faces on camera.