American Idol
Nothing Wild

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Take The J-Train

Well, it looks like we're stuck with a completely unnecessary, melodramatic announcer. On the other hand, it reduces Black and Decker's screen time slightly, so there's a tiny silver lining if you look hard enough. Melodramatic Announcer announces melodramatically to us how the contestants have been weeded down to nine finalists thus far. Numbers melodramatically zoom out over clips of auditions to melodramatically illustrate the weeding. Melodramatic Announcer continues that five (zoom!) of the twenty-one rejected semifinalists will perform before the three (zoom!) judges, and one (zoom!) will be chosen for the "wild card" slot to complete the final ten. You know, the same thing they've been telling us for the past three weeks. As if the announcer and the zooming numbers weren't melodramatic enough, they inflict those awful thumping "heartbeat" sound effects on us after every other word to try to convince us that something incredibly shocking is going to happen tonight. First of all, I'd like a moratorium on those damned thumping heartbeats, especially on promos for medical dramas. But second of all, if you're going to insist on using them, I insist that you confine them to shows where people's lives actually hang in the balance. You know what? Let's just go with it, then. If they want melodrama, I'll bring it. In (thump!) the (thump!) course (thump!) of (thump!) this (thump!) recap (thump!), somebody (thump!) will (thump!) die! (Thump!) Who (thump!) will (thump!) it (thump!) be? (Thump!) Stay (thump!) tuned. (Thump!)

Credits. Black and Decker greet us from atop The Octagon of Judgment, standing on either side of the chair that represents the lone finalist who will be selected by the judges tonight. Last week it was Jazmin's shirt; this week Ryan is wearing Adriel's pimp pants. They start repeating what the announcer just said seconds ago. Suddenly, an ominous creaking sound interrupts the two of them. They look up to see what the sound is, only to have the girder of spotlights that they just strung up last week come crashing down to the stage, crushing them both.

Sorry, I'm not good at drawing out the tension. Should I have waited a little longer before killing them? Well, I'll kill them again in other parts of the recap, and we'll just try to figure out which death was the most satisfying. It's a good thing I graduated from school years ago, or else this recap would probably get me suspended by jittery officials. I blame it all on violent video games like Rollercoaster Tycoon.

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American Idol

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