And yes, SXSW is exactly as ridic as you think it is, so let's get through this and I can get back to the questionable drummers and intriguing lead singers. All manner of effects played on the memories of various points in the competition so we can get rid of somebody in particular, and all the neon names of the people flashing by like they're characters on a superhero show we will never see, and we're good. I love the people that do the video production, they earn every penny.

But they are not my job, and frankly I couldn't process it if I tried, so let's do this. Happy St. Patrick's Horrible Genocide, everybody. I wasn't raised to enjoy that holiday, thanks to 10% wicca, 80% Irish race martyrdom and 10% lazy. And then Simon and Ryan talk about their relationship more or less maturely, and sadly we bring back the POV -- wherein the Judgery by a unanimous vote can save one person -- which I really hoped we wouldn't have at all, because it's gross and only exists to make Wednesdays worth watching.

But then David Cook sings "Jumpin' Jack Flash," and you know, it's Cook. What am I gonna say? I crushed and hated so many times that he's barely a human to me, he's like somebody I worked with at Target even though I've never worked at Target. If I were watching this show I would say that he was his same hotness but more, but I've never seen this show and he's playing the Stones so who barely cares anyway. Nice falsetto. You're still not my boyfriend, stop trynabe. Of all the people ever on this show, excluding the contestants I've since gotten to know -- which is like two in ten years, don't think I'm starfucking -- I am still sort of in love with old David Cook. Not a secret really.

So whoever you are, ladies that need me to love him, I officially love him. Starting like one million years ago. Sorry I haven't twitter-friended you back, but if you have a David Cook background on your twitter page -- and a shocking amount of you do -- I apologize for standing back. I'm sure you're awesome, and I love you, and I love DC as much as you do, but I've been doing this job a million years and I am no less comforted by that. It is not a reflejo on you. If anything, it's a reflejo on our Cookie. Monster's internet penetration. Because if you are a Friend of Cook, twitter wants you. And if you have ever talked shit about Cookie Monster, twitter and livejournal want you and don't want you and hate you and love you and link-gather you and it's all very internet. "I'm gay, we make culture" is how it feels, but this Cook thing is a little different and it's weird. I just wanna send somebody home and keep drinking, so come on.