An attack of hyperactive praise from the judges, crappy sound and a really off-key backup singer make hash of the first three performances; Ryan calls the insanely dressed Randy Jackson "unpopular," says the word "bitch" to Paula, and bitterly tells Blake that sometimes, Simon lies; Hot Mess Paula starts the night tripping over her dog and getting an emergency nose job, and ends it screaming at Blake and telling him how much she loves him...until DAUGHTRY takes the stage, for a concert appearance we'll hopefully never, ever see. Randy is, by the way, dressed like a civil war happening in the Rhythm Nation; also notable: Marlee Matlin is in the audience.

Round One: "You Give Love A Bad Name" versus Jordin's choice, "Fighter" by Xtina. Blake's somewhat fatigued performance is still aggressively weird, but especially off-putting with the sound issues that plague the show's first half-hour; Jordin pulls off a surprisingly deft and powerful "Fighter," given she's too young to even spell the word "adversity." Clothing-wise, Blake looks fantastic in a Chris R-ish jacket and hoodie, while Jordin is shockingly enough wearing a dress over pants. First round goes to Jordin completely, not least because of the nice arc you get from her redeeming her previous Bon Jovi misfortunes with a rock-adjacent tune. Turns out one of the many emotions she can manufacture is rage. Simon gives the round to Blake, but I heard he lies.

Round Two: Blake's choice, "She Will Be Loved" v. "A Broken Wing." Blake is simultaneously pensive, smarmy, sexy, and argyled out to here, but his voice is not quite as limber as he seems to think it is. Also, the song itself is missable. "Broken Wing" is exactly the same as it always is, although Simon calls Jordin's performance "shrieky." It's not, it's exactly as solid as one might predict, but altogether Round Two is pretty anticlimactic. Which is sad, because Round Three is the coronation song, which sucks less than usual but still sucks. Jordin's emoting goes to a nervous school-play place, but her vocals are an easy match for Blake's wandering-troubadour pinstriped vibe. Round Two goes to Jordin, who is wearing...a different dress over different pants.

Round Three: "This Is My Now," a song about forgetting the hardships you've not actually undergone in order to revel in your personal Now. Blake's Now seems mainly to consist of bouncing and flailing around, rabidly sincere faces, and neon arrows pointing at his biceps and crotch. It's a passable performance but not the song for him, and he's not confident enough to fool you otherwise. Jordin's Now consists of powering through the song as though it were written for her, then breaking down adorably in the last few seconds like a good little winner always does.

Should Win: Jordin Sparks, damn her.

Will Win: Jordin Sparks, bless her heart.