American Idol

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Caught In A Trap

Scary poster in the audience of Big Mike dressed like a sumo wrestler and menacing Simon. Even scarier: Ryan slapping his little girl hands against little girls' hands in the audience screaming, "Wassup! Wassup!" The Idols come out. Good Lord, there are still just so many of them. Casey looks like a hilarious joke and then we learn about Elvis. Oh hell, Elvis? I mean, Adam's great but what? What? Let's think about this.

Andrew must be singing something in the "Little Less Convo" area. Aaron will sing some song about walking around like Patsy Cline's broken heart or whatever. Siobhan will somehow find a way to sing Coldplay. Crystal will sing some kind of "Hound Dog" thing, or the song about the shoes. Somebody best sing "Suspicious Minds" because that is the best song.

Adam talks about Elvis's relevance and then he's out in the audience wearing all the makeup that's available in America, and Ryan congratulates him on the "two extra inches" his Elvis-coif has given him. It sounds weird. They talk a whole lot more and Adam's great but I don't really care about this part: He wants them to do it right, and they're not going to do it right, so let's pick a new goal.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any more sexual or troubling between Ryan and Adam, they start singing in falsetto at each other and Adam tells him to put more tongue into it and Ryan says that, sadly, his tongue is not as talented as Adam's. This causes Mr. Schue behind them to lose his mind, which is already annoyingly under a fedora hat. Ryan closes his eyes and wonders about his career and Adam has had such a hard year that he can't even blush about this sort of thing anymore.

Crystal will be singing "Saved," a song I don't know about. Adam, of course, can't quit about Crystal, but it's refreshing because he comes to her like a fan and not like Madonna kissing Britney that time. He's excited about her electric guitar and wants her to shake her dreads around and is, I think, pretty stoned.

The performance is a hands-to-the-Lord rockout number, lots of horns and backup singers. Is Crystal as close as we'll ever get to Elvis again? Or am I just caught up in the nonsense of this show and blind to the people using more traditional methods of delivery to accomplish their goals? Not sure. Have we decided yet whether corporate A&R buggery has broken music forever? Because if so, then this show is the smartest way to do things. And in Crystal's case, maybe the only rational one, because God knows I would not pay to listen to this, regardless of how good we know it is.

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American Idol

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