American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"I'm Like A Big Destiny Person."

"What have you done?" Ryan asks America, and for once it's presumably something good. I say the M/F are Adam/Allison, although I'm flummoxed as to who the N might be. Those are the only ones I really remember. I was intrigued by Megan, and by the thought that maybe Adam and Von Smith are not a pair, but in fact Adam and Normund are the pair, and that's why they're here together. Paula's beehive is fading somewhat, and Kara's back in her requisite "night look" attire: a thousand necklaces and an off-the-shoulder top.

Simon gets nervous when Ryan compliments his new fake tan, and we're treated to another meaningless stream of things we've already seen: Matt B welding, Kai's hair and mom, Nick acting like a douchebag, that one girl's insane puppet face, Matt G's belief, as a "big destiny person," whatever the eff that means, that he belongs here. Move along, move along. Let's get these all-American rejects going.

Group sing! Ne-Yo's pretty song "Closer" involves: Adam trying to have more sex with you and in that department outshining Matt G, who is wearing an old lady scarf around his shoulders like a nod to the crisp Eastern European weather and itching to grab his crotch; Matt B bouncing awkwardly while Kai revolves his hips in a creepily overexcited, snaky, gay stripper way while trying to be sexy into the camera and basically just coming off like a deranged Sunday School teacher at Happy Hour; and then weirdest of all there's Nick looking once again like he wandered onstage after deserting his mental hospital's day trip to the studio, while next to him Kris does some kind of gay b-boy gyration dancing that says, "I know I'm going home tonight and I'm cool with that. But damn, am I adorable or what?" Then Giraud gets super-squatty, Adam upstages everybody of course, Matt looks completely lost, Kris goes into a total funk meltdown, and Nick is... still onstage. Then they all go into a shoulder-dipping, finger-snapping bit of business, and that's the best part.

Over in Suffragette City, on the couch, things are vastly weirder. Megan -- shaking her boobies in that weird dance she was doing last night -- Mishavonna's humungous face, and Allison lean forward and sing; then they lean back and what's left of Jesse, the unsinkable Jasmine Murray, and that crazy-looking one lean forward. Megan looks gross tonight, ya'll. She did not get the red pants memo. On the other hand, the insane-looking one is wearing shorts with suspenders, the tightest Holly Hobbie shirt ever imagined, and boots. Welcome to my legs! Say farewell to them!

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American Idol

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