American Idol
Results: Top 24

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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No Alarms/No Surprises

"Molly DeWolf Swenson is now following you on Twitter" is the kind of thing that might scare the shit out of a less secure man -- given her abilities, connections, marksmanship -- but I have been doing this job a very long time and I like the super-capable ones the best anyway, so we'll just leave at that: You take a shower before effing hours three and four of the recappapalooza that is this show this week, every week, and you think the idiotic cliffhanger of whether or not Chris Medina has broken J. Lo's soul, Brittenum style, you think that's the most exciting thing that's going to happen... And then you fire up the old Gmail.

Mostly for this show I hear from Moms. Moms of winners, Moms of the eliminated. Moms of hicks I called hicks, Moms who take me to task for calling their children possibly racist because -- get this -- it's a very dangerous accusation because of what "they" will do. Moms who miss the point, Moms who totally get the point, Moms who laugh and Moms who cry. Mostly Moms who discovered the internet today, and how it is chock full of information. But only one Molly DeWolf Swenson, because there will only ever be one Molly DeWolf Swenson. I miss her so much, you guys. It was going to be beautiful.

...Okay, but so how is J. Lo? How's Lopez coping with all this pressure? Well I'll tell you: So very -down is her melt- that even Ryan seems to think it's a little ridiculous:

"Production has come to a halt," Ryan says. "J. Lo is at an emotional crossroads." Randy and Steven cock-blocked her and sent Medina packing, "And now she is questioning everything."

The lights swoop, the clock ticks, Meredith Grey delivers a monologue on the importance of a single hour. The sun passes over like an ASL forearm. J. Lo is not getting it together. Jacee sheds those pounds and gains six inches and kicks sand in Junebug's face and Junebug holds his hands up to heaven and is like whyyyy. Still no.

Ashley Sullivan writes a letter to the judges from the booby hatch with, like, her face on MC Skat Kat's body and three different balloons coming out of the mouth congratulating her on being the next American Idol and also her recent marriage and also that the charges were dropped. J. Lo's still not quite ready.

The kids get bored. Lauren Alaina has a daughter who is 46 years of age, because their family has Button-Matryoshka syndrome. Brett Loewenstern completes his O.W.L.s and starts on studying for his N.E.W.T.s. J. Lo takes off her sunglasses and throws them in the ocean, grinds her feelings into powder, and that's that. Showtime.

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American Idol

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