American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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One Tin Uterus Rides Away

Sad music and silly graphics -- "In the end the love you take" et cetera -- and our kids in white. Of all the boombastik openings (and yes, there will be a robot owl cameo in Clash, but only a cameo) this one is sort of the most amazing. Angelic light on everybody, Jackson screaming "BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" and lots of hugs, followed by weird circular camera work on everybody, followed by live-action heaven lights on Ryan, is a great way to start. Color me impressed, insofar as this show sometimes gets ridiculousness right, in the same way that a blind squirrel -- or Mike Lynche -- occasionally gets ridiculousness right.

Will we use POV? TiK ToK because it's only until Top Five that they can use it. But first, Jason Derulo doing the best version of that rapper thing he does, Rihanna being no doubt, and Archuleta edging toward pubescence. Kara looks pretty great in a maroon cutout top with scarf/choker, which is a look I don't usually love. Simon's donating "tight clothes," per Ryan, to IGB, and then apparently we learn that part of this huge IGB thing is giving somebody a record deal. The others are giving other things that are very exciting; Ryan's contributing hair product (with a side of self-awareness!) and Kara and Simon joke about giving away singing lessons after his totally uncalled-for bash on her voice last night.

Beatles Medley! Worth watching, weirdly. Lee comes out singing through his nose to the point where he sounds vocoded. Actually, as much as this doesn't seem lip-synched, maybe it is. Aaron, I thought he was Siobhan until I looked up. Casey sounds the best, of course, along with Katie, who looks fucking amazing tonight. They're all dressed in Mila's best one-trick color-blocked Piccadilly Square monochromatic mod pop explosion, which suits everybody for sure, and then Crystal and Siobhan rock out the verse on "Fool On The Hill" before things get stupid again, and what. It's a medley. Siobhan is so fucking bad at lip-synching that it becomes an inadvertent stance against lip-synching. Crystal's wearing white cowboy boots that brilliantly pull the mod idea Soxward. She has, I think, a talent for this rivaling Adam's. I mean, she's being the Adam this year obvs, but there's performing and then there's branding, and I always thought he would be the best at that, but Crystal is like if you took Bo Bice and gave him Lambert's sense of self-promotion. But now that I'm back in love with Casey, it's hard to think about that way, because he's really just the girl version of Crystal.

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American Idol

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