Previously: Ow, my ears.

Tonight we'll be heading to Los Angeles and Detroit. Of course, this is all voiced over scenes from bad auditions. Just assume that when the show is giving you information about what's going on, bad auditions are also playing on the screen. One girl is singing a song from Mulan. I don't know.

Credits. Sing, transgendered Terminator! Sing!

We head back to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena for the next round of auditions. People holler and shout and wave and camera-whore. It looks like every desperate wannabe in Los Angeles has shown up in the hopes of getting that big break. It's either this or another episode of Elimidate. Kristin "Goody Two-Shoes" Holt asks the aspiring losers stupid questions. She wishes all the kids sleeping out in the cold Pasadena night good luck. Uh, yeah -- after seeing the kids in New York, I'm not exactly feeling much sympathy for these folks. Of course, I wouldn't feel any sympathy for them if they had to spend the night on an ice floe, but still. They show clips of the local FOX affiliate covering the existence of the line. I'm not sure what we're supposed to gather from that clip, other than a confirmation of everything we already know about FOX's news judgment.

Much to my surprise, they make mention of the fact that there are rounds of auditions before the contestants get to the judges. They show a girl crying who sang neither well enough, nor badly enough, to go before the Triumvirate. They're also nice enough to pan across all the litter left behind in the parking lot by the contestants. Because real stars don't pick up their own shit. They show Randy "Mr. Big Stuff" Jackson arriving in his [product-placed car], while Paula "Fashion Victim" Abdul schmoozes with some of the kids, probably begging them to ask her for autographs. Simon "Waitin' Ta Hate" Cowell arrives fashionably thirty minutes late in his own [product-placed car].

So let's get to the auditions. Yay! Sucking! First up is Equoia Coleman, 22, who is on crutches because she was bitten on her foot by a brown recluse spider. Ow, ow, ow. Those things are nasty. I saw something on Animal Planet once with a couple of women who were bitten by brown recluse spiders and ended up having their fingers rot off. I am not exaggerating. Equoia sings "You Give Good Love" by Whitney Houston. And she doesn't suck. I'm shocked that they started an episode and didn't immediately toss us into all the sucking. Paula points to her arm to indicate goose bumps. Or perhaps she's just warning Equoia that the venom is spreading. They all love her. Simon is surprised a record label hasn't snatched her up already. She's invited to Hollywood. Hopefully, she'll still have a foot when she gets there.

But now that we've had a touch of good, we've got to turn to the suck. Robert, a creepy-looking nerd boy, butchers "Celebration," and does hysterically awful "Danger, Will Robinson!" arm gestures. He ends with a goofy "I'm riding a horse!" dance. He's not invited to Hollywood.

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