A massage therapist named Melissa Bush has dressed up like a 1970s sci-fi princess, which her personality is totally not up to. Somehow the pink, glittery, form-fitting bodysuit looks like a cardigan on her. She gives Randy a "Get Down DAWG" t-shirt and endures some lame quips from the judges about her name before making them endure her lame second-grade music teacher rendition of "Downtown." Awkward silence before unanimous nos and more "Bush" quips. Poor girl rented that costume for nothing.
Because the thousands of people who show up for auditions under their own steam still aren't cutting it, there's a new thing this year with a tour bus that goes on the road and collects hopefuls from locations further afield. It seems to have picked up a beefy dude named Gabe Brown from Marion, Iowa who gets his audition off to a very good start by delivering cookies to the judges. And then he straight-up screams "Gimme Shelter" by the Stones. "Do you have something with volume?" Keith deadpans once he's glued his eyebrows back on. Mariah invites him to try something a little softer, so then he performs a version of "We All Die Young," in what is merely a deafening shout. Which, along with the cookies, is enough to get four yeses from the judges. Now he can go out and scream about how he's going to Hollywood.
Up next is Kevin Nabity. You know how every musician has his or her own influences, whether it be Dylan or Motown or the Beatles or what have you? Well, this dude's is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Seriously. He grew up on Vanilla Ice and "Ninja Rap," and the results are about what you'd expect. He practices twirling a pair of bo staffs, one of which inevitably gets dropped into Lake Michigan. In the audition room, he throws a few breakdancing...well, not moves, per se. I guess you'd call them flails. And then he does a high-speed version of "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies that's even faster and worse than the original. Even the subtitles can't keep up, but that's okay because neither can he. Randy compares him to a bad auctioneer, and Nicki tries to play along, like this is an actual audition but regrets it when he launches into Styx's "Come Sail Away" in a voice that's bad enough to trigger Nicki's British accent, which I'm beginning to realize is one of her tells. They tell him he's not only good enough to sing in the competition, but not good enough to sing anywhere at all, ever. Maybe karaoke, but even that's probably iffy.