Jennifer Lopez is back for a duet with Pitbull that's staged like a Cirque du Soleil number performed by drugged Victoria's Secret models who are afraid to leave the ground. They're both clearly lip-syncing, not that anyone cares. It's all about the overwhelming audiovisual noise, in any case, of which there is plenty. And I'm pretty sure I saw Jennifer eyeing that judges' table like she's got a spot all picked out for when she returns.
Wow, is it almost nine o'clock already? Having successfully killed two hours deader than Rasputin, we're almost clear to announce the actual winner. That is what we're here for, right? First though, Kree and Candice do an indifferent duet of "A House Is Not a Home" that they must have spent literally minutes. rehearsing together. People still feel obligated to give one last standing ovation, it being finale night and all. Finally, Ryan joins them onstage for the announcement. The one literal, binary bit of information it's taken us this long to get to. The dude from the accounting firm walks up with the gold envelope, which Ryan snatches away and spews some positive-sounding word salad before dimming the lights one more time. And the winner? Candice Glover! Looks like a woman won after all.
The whole top ten swarm her on the stage while the audience goes apeshit. Angie makes sure Candice has a good grip on that microphone trophy as Ryan draws Candice down to center stage to try to get a coherent thought out of her. "Three years!" is all she can manage. Ryan says Candice's album is already available for pre-order. Damn, she recorded that fast. Finally, everyone yields center stage to Candice so she can sing her winning song, "I Am Beautiful." Which, you know, kind of makes it a pyrrhic victory on top of the fact that she's in no emotional condition to actually sing right now. The confetti and streamers are no less real, though. Congrats to Candice, goodbye to all the judges, get some damn rest Ryan Seacrest. And I'll see you all next season... which, according to what Ryan said earlier about online auditioning, has already begun. God help us.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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