Two and a half hours. Two. And a half. Hours. This...is my own personal hell.
"Together, we're gonna save some lives," says Ryan Seacrest. Oh, good, I haven't done that in a while. After the credits, I'm temporarily broken out of the funk of having to deal with this entire extravaganza by two things: one being the familiar beat to Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop The Music" and two being the crazy/in your face dancing of the So You Think You Can Dance kids. Or so I'm told. I've actually never watched the show, but it is my mission to start doing so this year. It seems like a much better way to spend one's summer than the self-loathing that watching Big Brother provides. Of course, all this excitement is soon dampened by the involvement of the eight Idol contestants, a uniformly desperate bunch if I ever saw one. Thankfully, and wisely, they manage to sing one verse and then step off to the side and let the dancers dance. I do appreciate how the one girl has her hands all over David Cook, though. And I'll admit the cuteness of Ryan Seacrest dancing off the stage with them when they're done.
Hey, so you'll forgive me if I don't give a full rendition of every random-ass celebrity who asks you to give money, right? Okay, good. Except for when it's Kylie Minogue, like it is right this second. Then I'll tell you that Kylie Minogue manages to cover her embarrassment at being on the show long enough to ask you to donate.
A winded Ryan then introduces California first lady Maria Shriver, who is accompanied by an entire combat division of disabled and disadvantaged kids. Does she show up everywhere with that entourage? Do they back her up if she gets into an alley fight? Wow, she manages to quote Gandhi and an "ancient Hopi prayer" within a minute. I bet Obama hasn't even pulled that off. ...Oh God, please don't let Hillary and Obama show up. I will be so, so disappointed.
Ben Stiller. Couldn't have busted out the Bono impersonation on this most appropriate of all evenings? No? Just gonna stand there making jokes that landed on the cutting room floor of The Heartbreak Kid? Okay.
We are next treated to a short film of Jennifer Connelly serving "her" children pond-scummy water from Central Park, like they do in poor countries that aren't here. The moral of the story? Stop fucking bitching me out for drinking bottled water, Green Police. There are way worse water-related things to get high and mighty about.