American Idol
Season 7: Top 10 Results

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Season 7: Top 10 Results

You know who's thinking he's pretty goddamned cool this week? Ryan Seacrest, is who. He stalks along the line of would-be eliminatees like Bret Michaels on a Sunday evening, then actually makes them wait for it before launching into the most dramatically drawn-out "This...(...)(...) is American Idol!" yet. So it's gonna be one of those nights, eh, Seacrest? Don't test me.

So there were some votes cast last night, there are some judges here tonight, and somebody's going home. You know how the results show rolls. Paula is sadly not dressed for a wrestling match tonight (instead opting for her junior prom ensemble), so there's nothing to report on that front. And I'm certainly not going to talk about the songwriter competition. So I guess we just jump right into the group sing, then. They're singing "Right Back Where We Started From," and I always find it appropriate when they sing songs that belong in movie trailers, so we're off to a good start. I'll note that whoever choreographs these numbers has developed a major cocaine habit, because these guys are all over the place. They're running all over the stage, doing high kicks, The Twist, The Bump, David Cook and Michael Johns are chest-bumping (which David thinks makes him so terribly cool that he shoots some devil horns). Then Carly starts twirling a flaming baton; Chikezie rides a unicycle across the stage while juggling; David and Michael hoist Kristy Lee horizontally in the air while everyone else limbos under her; Syesha and Brooke spin wildly with snakes in their hands, hoping the Lord will keep them from getting bitten. Before Paula can scream "It's all for you, David Archuleta" and jump to her death off the top of the stage rigging, the number comes to a merciful close. Wow, that was some stuff that just happened. I need a commercial break just to collect myself.

When we return, Ryan explains to us about how the songs this year have been made available on iTunes, even though they haven't been able to chart, because that would give away the relative popularity of the Idols. Which I don't entirely buy, but I'm cool with keeping the rest of us in the dark because oh holy God do I not care. But Ryan assures us that the Idol kids would probably take up the top 5 slots in iTunes if they were allowed to chart, so let that one sink into your chests for just a moment. But anyway, since iTunes is graciously bending the rules for this show, this show is giving back (this show loves to give back!) in the form of a mini-infomercial about how awesome iTunes is. Yeah. Steve Jobs can cut me a check and then I'll recap this advertorial in full, but suffice it to say: we take a trip to the studio where the Idol kids get to record full-length versions of their songs. Ramiele (in that increasingly irritating baby voice of hers) expresses a clear preference for Michael, Jason, and David Cook. Hysterically, David Cook's like, "Yeah, when I'm sitting around wondering what alt-rock thing I'm gonna do to a song, I usually check iTunes and see what other bands have done." It's not hysterical because David's been hiding that fact (he's been way more upfront about that than, say, Daughtry was), but because the judges keep ignoring it. Carly, equally hysterically, pretends she's never been in a studio before, what with its weird buttons and strange lingo. Then the whole thing devolves into closeups of iPods and MacBooks and whatever. I prefer my Apple ads with 100% more Justin Long, so this whole segment can suck it.

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American Idol

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