American Idol
Season 7: Top 20 Results

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Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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The Yard Of Blonde Girls

You know, usually when they say "shocking results," it's like, not that shocking. And sometimes it's very shocking! But only in the Semifinals is it allowed to be one-quarter shocking only, and that's what it is tonight. Well, one-quarter plus whatever percentage of random blonde girl that would be shocking no matter what because who knew that particular random blonde girl even existed in the yard of blonde girls, which is I guess the point that one of them had to go.

Simon and Ryan chat about Ryan's mommy Connie, doing some strange half-"moose" thing with one hand that he insists was a secret language all week. I'm not sure about that, because this show is nothing if not skeptical-making, but if it were, I bet the message would be, "Olsen Twins, Dave Coulier says hello. But only a little bit."

The group sing is as follows: Michael Johns is awesome, David Cook is stupid and sings stupid and looks stupid, Kristy Lee Cook is still here, Carly loves shouting, Alexandréa loves shouting also, Amanda is still your ugly grandmother and refuses to go home, the entire universe is in love with David Archuleta, all the Group Sing Singers are totally and without question except for the as-usual creepily chipper David Archuleta not interested in singing a Group Sing Song, yes Brooke really is Serena van der Woodsen, random blonde girls sing and wander around and multiply onstage like somebody got water on their random blonde mogwai, Kristy Lee's breasts really do exist, Jason Castro's hair is capable of going back to looking stupid, drink Coca-Cola, Amanda sucks some more, the Trouble with random blonde Tribbles is that they are everywhere, the end.

We'll start with the guys: we knew Chikezie's name -- get it? -- Robbie sucked and was wearing a sick-looking wig, David Cook is verging on the national sadness of illiteracy and also pissed Simon off by being a shithead but later felt bad about it, Michael continued to do a whole lot with a little, Luke Menard persists in existing, Jason Y. the same but not, Jason Castro was well on his way to becoming this year's Elliott/Clay/Bo in terms of the spooky obsession he's already inspiring in people by my anecdotal evidence, Danny Noriega is a big funny gay stereotype and we all want to infantilize-slash-go shopping with him like this is suddenly 2003 and we're back to the insulting bullshitty cultural glosses to the exact same level of a show called like Slant-Eye For Caucasian Guy in which regular old white people are taught how to do math and play the violin by their Asian-American counterparts, David H. impressed Simon, David A. either inspired or disgusted everybody, and Robbie -- ahem -- sucked.

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American Idol

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