American Idol
Season 7: Top 3 Perform

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. Except Syesha.

Ryan looks weirdly busted. Maybe he's as exhausted as we all are. He introduces the finalists as "a high school student," "an actress," and "a bartender," and does a funny little voice for each. Although maybe his David Archuleta voice is not actually a special funny voice but his regular Ryan voice. I dunno. It feels like I haven't seen this show in six years. After the credits he's looking slightly weller but still a bit bloated. He looks like a coyote doppelgänger, like, you go to bed with Ryan and you wake up with a methed-out clone, that's how he looks: ten years older, asking to borrow your phone and smoking your cigarettes and touching your stuff and refusing to leave. Go home, Trick Ryan! Bring back Real Ryan!

Ryan tells Randy that he's wearing "the sky," and yes, he looks like he's wearing the night sky only slightly smaller. Paula is sparkly in black and silver, and Simon looks the same. There's an insolent ginger child behind Randy that is working my last nerve. Ryan tells us about how the Top Three is always awesome because of how they each sing three songs chosen weird ways, like there's a producer pick and a pick from each of the judges and then they each get to REBECCA! I saw Rebecca! Rewind it! Joe, it's Rebecca! She's just as pretty on real life TV as she is on fake TV. I wish she were my sister. (...Or my girlfriend. Sister! Girlfriend! Sister! Girlfriend!)

Also there's Marilu Henner, but I think I'm kind of done with her. She and Whoopi Goldberg are parallel lines heading toward an inescapable infinity right now and they're both reaching that weirdness of the truly tired and rich and I can't do it. But Rebecca is there! And the sullen ginger child, and I think the guy who plays Lloyd on Entourage, which means that he's the guy who was playing the person doing my friend L's job while she was doing it in real life, so whenever I think of him I am warmly reminded of my friend L, and how she's nothing like Lloyd. XOXO.

...I am kind of like Lloyd though, if I'm being honest. So anyway now I'm going to pause it and tell you my predictions. For the producer choices, I have no idea but I enjoy testing myself on how much I can see into the mind of White Old Straight Rich Guy world, so I'm going to say that David A. will be singing "Colors Of The Wind," because it's twee and has a sweeping chorus; Syesha will be singing "And I Am Telling You," because it's old straight rich white guys and they can only hold three thoughts in their head at one time and one of those is always going to be their prostate, one is always going to be boobies, and the other one is obviously money, so there's not a whole lot of room left to consider how all black chicks are not the same black chick; and David Cook will be singing ... oh God ... what's that song about the ... "Only Wanna Be With You," by Hootie. Or "Every Time," by Lincoln Hawk, because that's precisely how cool David Cook is.

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American Idol

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