Last night was so fun, wasn't it? We pretended we weren't indulging Durbin, and Casey kissed J. Lo on the cheek and it was so sweet and Jacob blamed his earpiece monitor and not the band, and lots of other things I didn't notice because I was on some other trip entirely. But it was fun, and that's the important thing. Beards and drummers and whatnot. So when Tyler comes out and does a little dance with his scarf just so we know who he is, and then booty-grinds a little bit on Jackson, well, that can be fun too. I guess.
Seacrest, verbatim: "Whassup whassup!"
Ryan tells us all about the things we just talked about, but points out especially Steven Tyler's nonsense bullshit. Tonight he is wearing, by the way, Steven is wearing a raccoon tail from one ear, as if to say hello to Paul McDonald's dear departed need for sartorial attention.
Scotty's Adam's apple goes kadunk kadunk, Haley's wearing a neon color story of which Grace Coddington would approve and creepy flesh L'Eggs of which nobody ever could, and for guests we have the idiotic Katy Perry and the not-quite-idiotic David Cook singing their current or upcoming singles. Ryan asks Randy his thoughts.
(The whirring sound of a CD drive attempting to start up, and then giving up again.)
Jackson: "I don't man I mean I'm a little like this I'm like What's going to happen?"
Lopez: "I hope a girl doesn't go home."
Seacrest: "Was Marc Anthony threatened by Casey kissing you?"
Lopez: "No, but it did bring up some things in our relationship I wasn't expecting."
Tyler: (Reminisces about things he said last night, at length.)
THEN HIS HORRIBLE FACE SLIDES OFF INTO HIS SOUP
A sadly Darren Criss-free version of "Hey, Soul Sister" follows, as Stefano and Lusk do a very gay dance and refuse to harmonize with one another. Then Haley's fleshtone tights and one more in a series of ill-fitted cowgirl outfits do a very flat harmony; Lauren's breasts have blossomed into womanhood in the last 24 hours, but her hips are still not quite as wide as Lusk's. He's got what you call those child-bearing hips; he puts them to use as Lauren is born right in the middle of their terrible singing. Hey, soul sister! Nice chunky highlights and tacky lowlights!
Too bad Casey and Durbin -- And who else? It's getting harder and harder to math -- are left out of this little joke performance, because it means something weird is going to happen in a minute probably.