American Idol
Simon Is A Meanie!

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American Idol Smackdown

We open, as we have the last two Wednesdays, with the headshots of tonight's performers and the blah blah blah votecakes. Ejay is pictured among the ten. Delano is not. So much for suspense.

Credits. Black and Decker greet us atop The Octagon of Judgment as usual. Blah blah blah votecakes. Poor Jazmin. Not only did she get rejected by the voters, but Ryan has stolen the black, lacy blouse she wore. Way to flaunt your heterosexuality, dude. I hear the girls really dig the International Male look.

Black and Decker introduce the judges. Interestingly, Simon and Randy have switched places. I wonder what that's all about. When introducing Paula, Ryan brings up "rumors" (read: "stories planted by Ryan's publicist") from the tabloids that he and Paula are an item. Ryan and Paula would never work as a couple; they're both obviously "bottoms." Black and Decker introduce Simon. Brian tries to make some joke about seeing Simon on The View and how he fitted right in with the ladies. The joke or insult or whatever is intended makes no sense, and Simon just ignores it. Everybody pretty much ignores Brian entirely. That probably explains his continued existence. Simon mocks Ryan's blouse and asks him if it came with "matching panties." I'm sure Simon will find out later tonight when they play "strip search."

But before tonight's performances, they've got a "controversy" to milk. Black and Decker explain that, according to the rules, all contestants must be between the ages of sixteen and twenty-four when the competition began. Now that the advertising dollars have started rolling in, they can finally afford to do background checks on the competitors. They discovered that one semifinalist, Delano Cognolatti, had lied. They show Delano being interviewed in Pimp Central, presumably by a producer. They don't show who is asking the questions because this show is all about not breaking the fourth wall. At first, Delano insists that he's twenty-three. Upon further questioning, he says, "That's the age I am for this competition." Yeah, that's the age I am for dating. Finally he admits that he's actually twenty-nine. I think Delano has been taking anti-puberty hormones or something. He's got the voice of a twelve-year-old and looks like he's about four feet tall. He gives some big spiel about music being his life and dreams and whatever. It doesn't matter because he's booted out of the competition. America gasps in shock at the loss of a competitor whom we never saw and about whose gender we all spent several days speculating. Or not.

To replace Delano, they turn to the first of the "alternates" that the judges must have selected when they picked the final thirty. That would be Ejay Day. Or E.J. Day. Or E. Jay Day. During tonight's competition and tomorrow's results we'll see all three spellings, so I have no idea which one is correct. His name's probably really Edward, anyway. Ejay is the boy I described during the second round of auditions as being hotter than either Jim or Justin (Eeeeeeee!). And dammit, I stand behind that! Oh sure, he has a freakishly prominent lower jaw, making it possible for him to bite his own face. He has an odd, pug-like nose. He has really, really white teeth. He has George Michael's eyebrows. For me, it all works. Especially with that hair. He's hot! Dammit! Oh, never mind. I have previously been infatuated with Stephen Baldwin and Hawk from American Gladiators, so clearly I'm mentally ill. Anyway, they call Ee-jhay in from Atlanta and his flight is delayed and his luggage is lost and blah blah blah, but eventually he makes it.

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American Idol

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