American Idol
Sits Like A Man, But He Smiles Like A Reptile

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Monday

We're live again. Why? Ryan really hopes you're "ready for the first of your three fixes this week," because even though last week he understood that even two hours of this crap is glut-market supererogatory whoredom, this week he's a pusher. Like we just need this show so goddamn bad that we're rolling around in front of the screen begging Ryan for the "first of our three fixes this week" like a narcoleptic River Phoenix all, "Ryan, just let me owe you a date, I promise I'm good for it." Whatever will we do, Ryan, when we return to the usual format next week? Will you give us more pointless "specials" full of filler and stuff we've already seen and more bad auditions that Jacob will not be recapping or even watching? Say you'll fill our endless AI-less days somehow.

There are more truly unflattering stills of Joe, David, Celena, and Aloha, and Ryan gives us the okay to say, "Awwww." I guess people are holding back because, of those four, only David had any advance publicity on the show whatsoever, and his voice was so good but he was so boring we all fell asleep like little babies whenever he was onscreen, so the audience is just trying to figure out who they're looking at before they commence to mourning. But Ryan tells them it's okay to "Awwww" so they "Awwww" but it means less because it's Ryan telling them to do it. So, Ryan asks, "Will the winner be a guy? Or! Will we have another 'girl' Idol?" Then he calls the judges "guys," too.

Paula looks very aprés-sex with some messed up "rocker" hair; Simon thought last week's results were fair, and then he bitches for awhile all about how Kelly didn't have a whole lot of airtime, so he's gotta take all kinds of umbrage at all these sore losers pointing out the ridiculous amount of time we've spent on people who are still in the competition, versus people who have not, and are being picked off one by one. I guess we're short for time, though, because he doesn't get to tell the other part, which is that Kelly wasn't competing in a season that had over a month of audition shows twice a week highlighting various performers before the semifinals even started, with the express purpose, reported all over the entertainment media, of engendering sympathy and fan bases from the get-go. He didn't have time to say that part.

He does, however, have time to insult your intelligence and mine by superciliously suggesting that perhaps Joe and Melinda were confused and thought the voting was on whether or not the people had appeared on television at any time. That's the joke. The other part of the joke is that he flogs the this is a singing competition horse some more, as if that were true. As if the power-voting teens have ever taken that into consideration. As if Mario would be here if that were the case. As if he weren't about to say himself, for at least the sixteenth time, that it's in fact not a singing competition, it's a packaging and marketability competition, and in fact it started two months ago, before anybody knew whether they were involved or not, and that's what dictated the whole airtime thing to begin with.

Ryan asks Paula how she'll be judging differently this week, and so of course she answers a completely different, unasked question, all, "You know I just think tonight they're going to bring it…there's tough competition in that Red Room there. They -- look at them, they're sweating." That's how Paula's going to be judging this week. "Do you have any favorites?" asks Ryan. "You ask me if I have my favorites? On the spot. I have watched through the weeks I know who's edging by in my vote yeah." Simon and Randy clear their throats, and I think Simon's doing the whole coughAnwarcough bit. Simon sucks tonight, man. He's working like this Stephen King old man kind of humor that is not.

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American Idol

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