American Idol
Skeptacular! Skeptacular! Part I

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Some People Wait A Lifetime For Something To Happen
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

The recaps will be split between the singing and the resulting, this week, so watch out for the results show recap in a couple of days. In the meantime, on with the singing. We open on Ryan, rampant on a field of black, speaking in hushed tones of the Kodak Theatre, and what will transpire there. Photographs? Dare I say, photo…opportunities? Yes, and so much more. Just when we're lulled into a false sense of comfort, that it's just us and Ryan on the vacation from this show that you, and I, and poor little enervated Ryan so desperately need, in the sweet, cool darkness…BOOM! Three thousand screaming people! And they're all screaming at you! They were there the whole time! Imagine a nice, like, tea. With just Ryan. Nice, huh? See him, avant le déluge: proportionally gayer, as every year, than he started, and yet no less exhausted for it. It's pretty cool to see them all appear, like something out of Harry Potter, but kind of a shock. How'd they keep them all quiet?

There are credits, in case we're watching this by accident, and then the FANT ASIA screen splits apart and Ryan comes out of it again, even though we already saw him. He's again wearing that black corduroy jacket that is made of my couch, and thus earns a whistle. Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Barr-Thomas is in the audience. I bet she likes Bo. Ben Stiller and Christine were there on Wednesday, and they said they voted for Bo like 500 times. The thing that kills me with this is how all the proud "blue state" people decided they'd vote for Bo, and talked about how it was such a shame that (SPOILER!) he lost, another red-state victory, but like, he's from Alabama? Which state makes Oklahoma look positively magenta? So what are you actually saying, for real?

So Ryan asks who is going to be the next American Idol, and it seems like everybody screams "Bo!" Then Ryan says it's "just as he thought," that it's split right down the middle. So, like, either he's lying, or else -- and this has come to mind before, with the whole "Ruuuuuuuuben" thing -- maybe the sound of noise just bears a resemblance to people screaming "Bo." You know? Although I'm inclined to believe that in fact everyone was screaming for Bo, because he's better.

Here's a thing, and I'm not sure how to approach it, because I don't want to come off like a dick, but I was emailed this week, Wednesday noon actually, by CNN to appear and talk about the finale. It happens to recappers sometimes, even baby ones, and sometimes we're kind of shy about it, even though it is awesome. And the thing is, it fell through -- fucking Michael Jackson and his fucking defense resting when there's AI commentary to be done! -- but I had this really fun, great talk with the entertainment producer over there, and she asked me about Bo and about Carrie, one after the other (this was before the finale). And so she asked about Bo, and I said the usual: "He's a consummate performer, a passionate artist, who has the experience to turn disadvantages to his use," and she asked me about Carrie, and I said the usual: "She is a savant, a real prodigy, somebody who innately understands perfection in tone and pitch, and I'm immensely proud that someone with a gift like that has discovered her path in life." And Andrea, on the phone, was quiet for a second, and then breathed, "You really like both of them, don't you?"

And I thought about it for a second, and had to agree. I certainly do. Nobody's more shocked than me, but yeah. It was weird, and kind of cool. I had all these ideas about how this show was fluff, and akin to professional wrestling, and I'm not saying that's not true, I just…they're both of them really, really good at what they do. Not that there isn't room for improvement, but, like, Bono has shitloads of improving to do on his horrible ass, not that I'm going to be letting him know, and he's a successful rock star, so whatever. I'm rooting for both of them, no matter what happens in this recap. For what this is, which is a marketability contest just like America's Next Top Model, or The Apprentice, to be honest: I like both of them. Almost exactly equally, as it turns out. But we'll talk about that later.

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American Idol

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